Opinion

MAGA Losers Want You to Pay $2K for Convention that Promises to ‘Make Women Great Again’

Women, are you out there wondering how you can be ideal for the MAGA man?

Sweet baby Jesus at the 1:00 p.m. workshop, sometimes it is hard to find topics to blog about, and sometimes mana from heaven falls into your lap, which is exactly what happened here when the boss asked the new blog guy to write about the “Make Women Great Again” conference happening in Orlando. The sure to be lightly attended program taught exclusively by men.

I am not making this up. I do write novels, but not with this kind of creativity, and I’m not into horror.

Obviously, the proprietary information – the key to making women great again – is vague. But the event promises to “teach” women (in this order): How to get in shape, have unlimited babies, and reject militant feminism.

Now, I believe I bring a bit of expertise to this subject since – like the expert presenters – I am a man, and I bet I understand  the moderators’ motivations. First, and I can’t stress this enough, to men like these, if a woman shows enough promise in area number one, I am willing to bet that the organizers will pass the women through without much attention to the other two.

Just a guess.

But we don’t need to guess much further, they’re willing to tell us more about their agenda!

“Women today are being taught to act more like men,” the website reads. “Where has that led us? Skyrocketing rates of divorce, depression, dysfunction, and America at the no. 1 spot in the world for single motherhood. No longer will you have to give in to toxic bullying feminist dogma and go against your ancient, biological nature as a woman.”

Okay, let’s unpack this a bit, because it is Saturday night and I deserve a good time. I damn sure don’t expect my wife to feel obligated to give me that good time.

Women are being taught to act more like men?

Thank god. Yes, my proto-woman (daughter, age 12), is certainly taught to act more like a “tradiditional” man. We teach her that she can be an orthopedic surgeon, a naval aviator, a software engineer, or stay at home and raise children – if that is what she wants to do, and to not take anyone’s shit if they say she can’t. It is shameful that some still see this as “acting like a man,” because it’s just being a person. My proto-woman is a good person.

Skyrocketing divorce?

Yes, that will happen when women learn that it is quite alright to divorce the drunk that beats the shit out of a woman and then expects the little lady to strip for him. That is rue. However, divorce rarely happens when a couple has mutual respect for each other individually. And trust me, once women fought for the right to be economically free, they had a much easier time demanding respect, or else they will set out on their own.

Depression?

No, there is actually less depression. That is a fact. It may seem like more because we actually talk about mental health and depression these days. We treat people. There was FAR more depression back in the day when women had few choices. Women knew they best keep their mouths shut because complaining might get them a fat lip. Now, we help everyone to optimize mental health.

Dysfunction?

I don’t know what he means, but I’m pretty sure his idea of functioning is not the type function we want for women.

Number one spot for single motherhood?

Take that up with the men, jackass! If you didn’t try to hammer every pretty thing around you, perhaps there would be less.  Perhaps talk about birth control and make a women’s right to choose significantly easier, see what happens.

No longer have to take up toxic bullying feminism dogma?

Right, these men will teach women how to trade sisterhood for toxic masculine bullying, just as nature intended, and they DO know how to bully, ask your local cops. Men wanting to teach a course in this is prima facie toxic masculinity.

“Ancient biological nature as women,”

Sure, just as soon as you take up your “ancient biological nature as a man” and forgo anything but hunting and gathering all day, no testosterone shots, no little blue pills. Keep your lifelong devotion to that woman you promised to love forever, even if she gains some arm fat – no cheating, and no flirting with the babysitter, creep.

It actually is funny, and yet it is not. Women have come so far and are right on the doorstep, recognized as people in their own right, not to be judged by their bodies, their baby-making ability, or their subservience to men. But they do have to battle through this.

Want to see the faculty? Of course you do, in the same way you press up against the window at the reptile exhibit at the zoo.

My daughter and I had a great idea. We were going to stand outside the conference doors, just prior to the women registering and paying, stating that for $20 we would make these women “great again.” We would simply tell them they are already great, so great that they don’t need affirmation from men looking at them like meat. We want them to take the other $1980 and go out with their friends for a “Great Women’s Weekend Away” – where they can affirm all that is great in each other, and perhaps the right man will be lucky enough to see it, respect it, and share a life together, as equals.

We liked that idea.

Then we could give the thousands we collected in $20 bills to women’s shelters all over the country to assist women who have been treated like property by men expecting a different kind of greatness.

 

Just like many things in the Trump era, so funny and yet so sad. So, we send this out to the men running this conference. Spend less time telling others what you want them to do to make you happy, and spend more time working on who you are, so that you’re happy with the people around you – if you’re lucky enough to be loved by a real woman.

****

Peace, y’all

Jason

[email protected] and on Twitter @MiciakZoom

 

 

 

meet the author

Jason Miciak is a political writer, features writer, author, and attorney. He is originally from Canada but grew up in the Pacific Northwest. He now enjoys life as a single dad raising a ridiculously-loved young girl on the beaches of the Gulf Coast. He is very much the dreamy mystic, a day without learning is a day not lived. He is passionate about his flower pots and studies philosophical science, religion, and non-mathematical principles of theoretical physics. Dogs, pizza, and love are proof that God exists. "Above all else, love one another."

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