God loves me.

I know, because as soon as the day threatened to get slow and a slog with serious stuff, some mana falls from heaven in the form of “not important news,” which makes the day so much easier.

Apparently there is a man who is worried that God no longer loves him. This man is not just “anyone,” nor someone endearingly crazy. It is a right-wing activist with a large audience, and he’s concerned that he’s on his way to hell, and it’s someone else’s fault.

Oh, where to begin?

Pffft, wherever we want, right, “Right”-Wing Watch? Do introduce us to Dave Daubenmire, won’t you?

Radical right-wing activist Dave Daubenmire spent most of his “Pass The Salt Live” webcast yesterday threatening to sue the National Football League for broadcasting unsolicited “crotch shots” into his home during the Super Bowl halftime show, thereby jeopardizing his eternal salvation.

Fantastic. I think that’s a great idea, because every judge I’ve ever met sits in the office all afternoon dreaming that someone would file more stupid cases.

“I think we ought to sue,” he said. “Would that halftime show, would that have been rated PG? Were there any warnings that your 12-year-old son—whose hormones are just starting to operate—was there any warning that what he was going to see might cause him to get sexually excited?”

‘A few things to unpack here.

No, it likely would not have been rated PG. We’ll stipulate to that, a legal word with which you should get familiar.

Second, it doesn’t seem like it is just your son with some concerning hormonal activity. Evidently some others in your household have hormones that work in mysterious ways. Regardless, we’ll stay out of your medical issues, except the ones in your head, for now.

Next, there was kind of a warning in that this is 2020 and it was a show by Jennifer Lopez and Shakira. The NFL did not hide who was performing, nor the fact that neither of my pals J.Lo or Shak feel the need to hide much of anything.

You could have turned the TV off right at the beginning and saved yourself from Hell’s fires, Isn’t God somewhat compassionate? He won’t give you a “pass” because you turned the channel the moment you realized what was going on?

Oh? You didn’t turn the channel?

Why?

Yes, the hormone issue, again. Right.

“I think we ought to go sit down in a courtroom and present this as evidence of how whoever [put on the halftime show] is keeping me from getting into the kingdom of Heaven,”

To each his own, Dave. As far as I’m concerned, J.Lo. has a better shot at taking me to heaven.

Daubenmire added. “Could I go into a courtroom and say, ‘Viewing what you put on that screen put me in danger of hellfire’?

You can go into the courtroom and say it.

Could the court say, ‘That doesn’t apply here because the right to [produce] porn overrides your right to [not] watch it’?

Yes.

Yeah, well, you didn’t tell me I was gonna watch it!

We did, sort of. Those two are no shrinking violets, unlike some people I can think of. It’s okay, Dave, I got all hot about it, too.

Tell us why you didn’t turn it off, Dave? Evidently you most certainly did watch it.

You just brought it into my living room. You didn’t tell me there were gonna be crotch shots!”

So you’re saying you did watch it, beginning to end? We have what we in law call a “causation” problem. What caused your TV to stay on?

No answer?

Right.

Oh, and about your son. We have one last causation problem, bro. You likely don’t know that you’ll have to prove it wasn’t Patrick Mahomes that caused the avalanche of sexual excitement. Pat’s ass was all over the place during the game.

Better file another lawsuit.

****

Peace, y’all

Jason

[email protected] and on Twitter @MiciakZoom