Politics - News Analysis

Congrats to the GOP! They Finally Did It —They Actually Nominated a Flat-Earther for U.S. Senate, and She’s Racist, Too!!

Lauren Witzke took the pulse of the “Regular Insane GOP” anti-science thing and determined that she could do it one better. She wanted to show those panty-waisted, pushover, p*ssy GOP, “round-Earthers” what “real anti-science” looks like.

She one-ups anti-science, then folds it over, just like she would do with the Earth if you gave her a big enough earth-mover. Meet  GOP nominee Lauren Witzke, the winner of the Republican nomination for the United States Senate from the state of Delaware. This isn’t some whacked dude running third for the Idaho state House of Representatives. Nope, Witzke will face off against Chris Coons for a seat in the U.S. Senate, the former home of lions like Ted Kennedy, John McCain, Frank Church, Obama, and LBJ. Lauren Witzke embraces it all: Trumper, MAGA, GOP 2020, Q-Anon, Anti-Science, flat fcking Earther! Finally, the GOP just said “Screw it!” and went all the way pre-Columbus, old Europe. Plague to match, too.

Don’t worry, she isn’t just a flat earther, Q-Anon, MAGA head. She is also a 9-11 truther,  an anti-vaxxer, and an absolute proud racist, according to the Daily Beast.  Witzke once wrote that over 625,000 “white people” died in the Civil War and she has not heard one “thank you.” Interesting, because we haven’t heard her apologize yet, either, which is sort of ironic because there’s every indication that she would’ve been on the gray side. She is now!

It is beyond sad for a million reasons, only one of which is that, were she not flat fcking insane, she might have an inspiring story. Until 2016 she was addicted to opioids and methamphetamine, and running drugs for Mexican cartels. She was able to overcome it – to her credit, we’re not evil – through her devotion to all things Trump. That’s fine if she had stopped right there. But apparently the 9-11 truther movie “Loose Change” literally “changed her life” and she became a full-blown conspiracy theorist to the point that she’s … well:

In December, Witzke claimed to believe that the earth was flat in another episode of a podcast hosted by Sisco, who has a history of making anti-Semitic statements. 

“I’m a flat earther,” Witzke said.

“Don’t say that,” said another podcast guest, identified as “Nick Leonard.”

“I am such a flat earther,” Witzke insisted. 

“That’s so dumb,” Sisco said. 

Witzke has extended her flat-earth promotion to Pinterest, tagging a meme about flat earth on the site.

That’s right. She became a giant conspiracy theorist after giving up meth. She is an original but fits-in with the GOP because they do everything backward. But the round earth is chock full of crazy people. It takes all kinds, amirite? Someone has to eat at Taco Bell. But the GOP doesn’t have to nominate them for the U.S. Senate!!

Now, this person is not going to win because the people of Delaware are not that insane. It is just the Republicans of Delaware, who – and we cannot emphasize this enough – just elected her over the guy the GOP endorsed by 14 fffffing points! It wasn’t even close! And again, she’s not going to win the general but let’s say for just a second she did win. Witzke would likely be sworn in at the same ceremony as former astronaut and All-American husband Mark Kelly! Ms. Witzke can tell Captain Mark Kelly U.S.N. how he got played by all those sciency guys at NASA! All those trips around the Earth were just … just … loop de loops around something! Faker!

Anyway, this is not about Ms. Witzke, who despite being a racist piece of sh*t, we wish well in her recovery. We hope she continues to recover and crawls out of the still-deep shit hole she’s in. This is more about the GOP circa 2020. As few as 10 years ago this woman would have been … wait. Was it ten years ago they nominated the witch from Deleware? We don’t care! Congratulations GOP! You have fought and fought and fought to get here, now you arrived! F-science! You all get F’s in science!

Now you don’t have to worry about science, or the truth, ever again. Just give up your car keys, plane trips, even hot water (physics!), don’t even think about going to the hospital. You can anti-science yourselves into a frenzy and then die, all naturally, firm in your convictions … at age 42. It will be just like in old Europe, where everyone was white, the plague ran roughshod, and the earth was flat. The GOP dream come to life.

Jesus, these people.


Peace, y’all
[email protected] and on Twitter @MiciakZoom

meet the author

Jason Miciak is an attorney, author, political analyst and writer originally from Canada, with dual citizenship, living with his wife and daughter in southern Mississippi. He has an B.S. in Biology and a Minor in American History from Gonzaga University and a J.D. from the University of California. He does as little law as he can get away with while now doing full time writing for Political Flare. He also enjoys gardening, fishing, casual reading in science and dogs.


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