Goodbye, Mike Pence, the most self-professed religious man to hold high office in our lifetimes. You proudly wore your religion on your sleeve, your other sleeve, your tie, definitively all the way up and down those legs that you feared to place alone in a room with a woman unaccompanied by “Mother.” Strangely, you never wore that spirit in your eyes. Mike, you reserved your gaze for your other god, the one standing beside you. That look didn’t just humiliate you, it creeped us the fck out. It had one redeeming value, it symbolized the freaky hold that the godless, soulless, and immoral Trump, held on the most self-professed believers in the nation with you as their leader.

We have to talk, Mike, because Trump’s hold on you looked a little too real, not just political, like say a McConnell or Bill Barr. You embarrassed yourself over and over again with the inability to speak for yourself, starting damned near every positive pronouncement with an ode to “the one,” and your sappy, “Thanks to the leadership of President Trump,” or “Thanks to your leadership, President Trump” (those were the worst, when he was standing right there), never once saying, “Thanks to this administration’s commitment to …” never. We wouldn’t have been shocked if when you did your best to make America great again with Mother, and she said something sweet, you just instinctively said, “Thanks to the leadership of Donald Trump, that was good.”

We kid, Mike, because it’s best to chuckle a bit before we remember some deeply concerning things. We remember all too well that you were Paul Manafort’s pick. Indeed it was near Manafort’s demand. Manafort used his talent – the same talent that eventually landed him in prison – to fake a mechanical issue with a plane in order to get your gaze in front of Trump. We weren’t there, but damn, Mike – you were sooo not Trump’s type. It had to be the gaze, that or an order from Putin, that locked that deal up in short order, perhaps within the hour in which you and Trump met. Something gave that gaze a little extra that day, which seems impossible.

But here’s the thing, Mike. Paul Manafort surrounded himself with two types of people, life-long professional criminals that told him what to do, many (most?) from Eastern Europe, and second, people he could tell what to do in furtherance of those criminals.

Mike? What. The. Fck.? We say again, what the almightyy fck did he have in common with you, or “on” you? Why did Manafort consider it critical that you became Trump’s running mate? And don’t you dare offend us and say, “To lock up the religious Right,” because they were locked-in since Trump went to Liberty University. So what was it?

We are a bit scared, Mike, because at that point, there was every reason to believe that eventually, something explosive might relieve Trump of office, or candidacy, within six hours – leaving you standing there. We don’t believe there’s a chance on earth that the people that put Trump in office would take the risk of leaving themselves with someone they couldn’t control.

Come clean, Mike – history is going to be brutal, that video of “thanks to the leadership of Donald Trump” isn’t disappearing, Mike. C’mon, you gotta admit there might not be a man on earth more easily controlled with kompromat. Most men wouldn’t have a hard time surviving some hot hot affair ten years ago with some hot hot 22-year-old intern. Damn Mike, if things like that wiped out men in Washington DC, at least half of them live on the edge of resignation every day, but they don’t. Because most people in this nation presume shit like that happens. But not you, Mike. That would end you. This hurts to say, but we have the feeling it was even a little more, perhaps terrifyingly more. A man, Mike? Well, we don’t care, but your crowd definitely cares. Was it money from a very ugly non-Christian source? We gotta believe it has to be big because Manafort doesn’t fish for trout. He trolled blue water, trying to catch the swordfish he could turn into a guppy.

Some might think you would’ve otherwise had reservations signing on with a man you’d never leave alone with Karen, nevermind daughter Charlotte 27 or your youngest daughter, newly-married baby Audrey. How can you stand there and gaze so lovingly at a man that could break you by asking to speak to Audrey alone?

Kompromat, Mike? Damn, we want to know. But actually, it really doesn’t matter all that much, because we know it’s something big. You signed on with Trump and even stayed with Trump after hearing that he loves to grab women by the pssy. That’s humiliating, Mike – but you never wavered. Curious.

No one expects much from a vice-president and especially a president for Donald Trump. But we get the sense that you did have a unique opportunity and we mean long before you headed up the COVID task force. Donald Trump hates to work as you know better than anyone. We are willing to bet that you had plenty of opportunities to lean in during a particularly difficult period and say “I’ll do it, I’ll head it up and fix it, I’ll take control and see that it’s done right. You know you can count upon me to do it so earnestly and give you all the credit.” Trump would’ve jumped. Again, he hates to work.

We have a guess as to why you either didn’t or weren’t picked and this is kind of illuminating, Mike. Donald Trump doesn’t really “respect” anyone on this earth outside possibly Ivanka. But there are various levels to his disrespect and you might’ve been pretty far down that list. Come on, man, there’s a better chance that Trump kneels in deep prayer with you than he has a modicum of respect for you. It doesn’t matter how sincere you might sound in your sappy, sickening, compliments in front of a microphone, yet another “Thanks to the …”

Yes, he asked you to head up the COVID Task Force, the body that would oversee the most significant issue in his presidency other than the money and exposure of his secrets. You might point to the task force as evidence you were his main man. Well, we will point to that, too, but for a different reason. You got named in March when it already looked like it could – and did – turn into the most disastrous failure he would face. By naming you in March, he had the perfect opportunity to throw you overboard and blame you for some terrible result and then name a new running mate.

Oh, but he didn’t, you say? Mike, think about it for a moment. At the point in time when he would’ve needed to do it, he had committed himself into proclaiming he beat the disease. Hundreds of thousands died and yet he alone beat this thing. The vaccines were coming. Over and over, he implied that he kept 300 million Americans from dying. Much as he might’ve wanted, he couldn’t fire you. It would’ve been tantamount to an admission that he failed. That wasn’t going to happen. You kept your job.

Yes, you looked far far better at the podium giving press conferences than Trump. But if that was the bar, Mike, well – it’s not really a bar. It’s a piece of tape on the floor.

Anyway, we have to summarize this whole thing and fortunately, that’s pretty damned easy. Mike, how did you not set out on your own post-election? Your political career was over, Mike. ‘You think he’d choose you to run again? You think you could carry the MAGA flag and be nominated if he chooses not to run again? Wake up, Mike. No amount of prayer is bringing that about. We will tell you something else, Mike. Had you acknowledged a few weeks after the election, you’d have faced some serious anger, but you still had Secret Service protection. It would also have set you up for life.

If you broke it off and said that Americans needed to heal and grapple with reality, you would not only be the person the prosecutors would seek out for a deal, but it would set you up for the biggest book deal in history. “Behind Trump.” You would make tens of millions, perhaps more, and worked out a deal for the security of the type that you were untouchable. You’d never get a speaking deal in the United States, but you’d make a fortune internationally.

But we come full circle. That damned kompromat, right, Mike? They still have that damned kompromat to keep you silent. Or at least that’s our opinion. There could be safety concerns, sure. These people involved with Trump don’t play. But it kind of hurts to tell you this, Mike, but those safety concerns exist anyway. There could be some bad dudes out there, from all over the earth and they don’t necessarily like leaving loose ends. You’d have been better off spilling it all, making the kompromat worthless, perhaps making you untouchable at that point.

This is what happens when you sell your soul, Mike, and you’ve studied enough of your Bible to know. Had you said no before you got on that plane, they’d have no real kompromat on you, Mike. You had so little to lose. Maybe your marriage, yeah. Maybe more. But a man of God faces up to his flaws, knowing that God will always forgive, especially the brave. Karen might’ve respected that.

In a dictionary that might combine shameless with coward, you’ll be right there, Mike.  And that’s nothing compared to what history will have to say. It should send shivers down your spine. It may be that you played a critical role in selling your country out. Now you face that as your defining work on this earth, Mike

Which brings us to our final short point. If this world and this life belong to Jesus as you believe, Mike. You are going to have a difficult talk when you meet him. “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for Justice,” Jesus said. You best start working on your apology now, Mike … not to mention your excuse.

Goodbye, Mike. You will not be missed. Thankfully you likely won’t be seen. You’ll be busy working out that arrangement with Jesus, and we suggest you start soon – if you ever believed it at all.

Over the next month, we are doing a series, Goodbye to All That, in which we will say goodbye to each member of the Trump administration. We will do at least two a week and always one on the weekend. 

Part One of our series – Goodbye Kayleigh McEnany — You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself and You Will Not Be Missed

Part Two of our series – Goodbye Ivanka Trump — You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself and You Will Not Be Missed

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Peace, y’all
Jason
[email protected] and on Twitter @JasonMiciak