This article is part of a series, the “Goodbye” series, all previous articles are linked at the bottom. 

Goodbye, Jared Kushner.

History will never figure out quite how Trump won or how it all worked, but a big part of the wonder will be how it was that an inexperienced, immature, spoiled little dick like you came to have that much power in America’s White House. It was so bad that at times we heard that you were the one actually running the country, Jared. It takes the breath out of our lungs.

That’s on Trump. But here’s the thing, Jared. You, you little … , you have blood on your hands, and that part is solely on you. We have done many of these “Goodbye” pieces, and you’re all just horrible people, but you are the one who literally killed people. You were just doing your job, huh? That’s precisely what you think and precisely the problem.

Fair warning, Jared, you’re not washing any of that blood off here.

*

We have absolutely no time to go through your childhood because it is just meaningless grossly-spoiled rich kid slop. You had everything.

Oh, wait, there is one part. Hilariously, and something that seems almost like a prologue in retrospect, your father was so rich that when you clearly wouldn’t be admitted to Harvard, he gave a $2.5 million dollar donation to the school the year before you applied. And, hey! You were accepted to Harvard. You know what that makes you, Kush? The kid that paid the highest fcking tuition in the nation.

Congratulations.

No, Jared, it wasn’t until 2005 that your life got interesting. That was the year that you, as a newly minted law/business degree guy, set about copying your dad. You intended to make so much money it’s shameless. Get used to that word, bro.

It was in 2005 that dear old dad became a federally convicted felon, prosecuted by Chris Christie. Even worse, your dad’s crime had something to do with filming your uncle with a prostitute or some woman, we really don’t care enough to look it up that specifically. But let’s put it this way, he – and you – would have had more pride had he just stolen $500 million from a firm. At least that makes sense. The thing with your uncle … well, that’s just humiliating.

Must have been tough, maybe your first test.

*

The interesting part is that it set you up in a situation where you –  a clubbing kid of 25 years old – were running your father’s empire. As humiliating as your father’s conviction had to be, at least you got yourself quite a prize out of it. He still owned most of the company, but you paid yourself to run it. Nice work if one can get it and do a decent job.

You sucked. And that’s foretelling. Pay attention, son.

Look, you really sucked, famously sucked. You got the company in or around late 2005-2006, at a time when there was a stench in the air in the New York financial district. The real pros knew something wasn’t sustainable. The real special pros knew exactly what wasn’t sustainable. No one knew for sure when it would all topple, only that it would, sooner rather than later. You didn’t know anything.

In 2007 – just one year before New York, along with every other market, collapsed – you managed to pull off something especially sucky. You paid the single highest price for a New York building, ever. That didn’t tip you off a bit? You paid $1.8 billion for 666 Fifth Avenue. That’s a very nice address, Jared, and you got it right before all “good” addresses disappeared. Again, you managed to A) pay the single highest price ever B) finance that building with a deal that would horrify anyone experienced, and C) you managed to do all this a year before the entirety of the real estate market got nuked so badly it kicked off the Great Recession. Nice job, ace.

Do keep an eye on that finance agreement, Jared, you had a massive balloon payment coming in Trump’s first term that motivated some of your ugliest work, you little piece of … something.

And now we’re back around to how an inexperienced kid does with a little billion-dollar business empire.  Mike Bloomberg could run a debit card through a 7-11 and buy you and all your shit, but he’d never do it because it’s not worth it. And yet it was you, not Mike, that would practically run the White House.

Take a deep breath, kid.

*

We have to get to the partnership. Yes, you had business partnerships, all that – even one with George Soros, you sneaky little bastard. But we’re not talking about business partnerships. We’re talking about the partnership with Ivanka, with a marriage contract sealed by a ceremony in 2009. We honestly can’t decide if you married up, or down, or across. We can make very good arguments for all three.

No one, and we mean, no one, knows what your home life is like. There are rumors out there, Jared, just rumors, but your three children evidence some good old hetero stuff in you. We don’t know or care. We do care about which one of you is the top pig in that relationship. You were the senior adviser in the campaign and White House, with critical portfolios. But if Ivanka walked in and pleaded with dad to ignore you, we suspect we know who’d win.

We are going to skip all the creepy things about Ivanka and her dad. You can’t do a damned thing about it, though it happens right in front of you. Painful. We will skip it.

You and Ivanka are very wealthy, obscenely wealthy … except that 666 thing loomed, with a balloon payment soon due, one that threatened that wealth. This looming business threat had to be part of the reason why neither of you could get a security clearance. I mean, you weren’t even close, my man. A lot of us would be turned down. It takes a special person to get special access. But even with dad as president, the professional intelligence community tossed you like bad yogurt. They really didn’t want you to leafing through top-secret work. But dad ordered the clearance. Case closed. That all comes back, we’re getting there.

But we’ve got to jump back one tiny step that relates to the above.

*

We have to cover the 2016 campaign. For real, Jared. In 2016 you were lauded as being the guy who really put Trump over the top. It’s funny that you won a campaign that Trump didn’t even want to win. Trump wanted the money and fame, but he didn’t want the job and didn’t want to win. He had big issues! You know damn well, that’s true. So, really – if you get a good look at it from above, you fcked the campaign up, too. He won! Bad job, bro.

We all know the secret and we all heard that you had a special focus. Wikipedia sets it out with clarity: Kushner ran Trump’s digital, online, and social media campaigns, enlisting talent from Silicon Valley to run a 100-person social-media team dubbed “Project Alamo.”

Huh. Interesting. You were the online, net, social media guy, huh? Hey, man – do you know who else was very interested in social media manipulation? The Russian military! You little fffff.  All kinds of stuff flew around back then, didn’t it Jared? Later, in the Russian investigation, your attorney admitted you made two calls to Russia’s ambassador, Sergey Kislyak, but then said you made “thousands” of phone calls during that period. Okay, all campaign officials make thousands of phone calls. But most campaign advisors manage to make exactly zero phone calls to Russia’s top spy in the United States, Sergey, the “ambassador.” But you made two calls to old Sergey, the guy who just happens to be a former KGB agent.

Weird, huh?. Those two calls are the ones we know about. When Mueller got around to investigating, he said it was hard to get information because much of it was blocked by WhatsApp. We have all heard you love using WhatsApp.

Anyway, we can’t let this Russia-thing go just yet. Because, What. The. Fuck. were you doing in the Russian embassy in December, after you won – with our friend Sergey again? And, WTF were you doing asking about a secret communications channel to Russia? A channel through the gawd damned Russian embassy! Do you know the only reason Americans want a secret channel to Russia from the Russian embassy? To make fcking calls to the Kremlin that our NSA doesn’t intercept. And why would you want to do that? You traitorous little …

We’re off Russia, for now.

*

When you took to the White House, people made a big deal about the adults in the room. And then they just dropped like flies, didn’t they, Jared? Flynn, Bannon, Preibus, Kelly, Tillerson, Mattis, Spicer, Huckabee – Jesus Christ as National Security Advisor, you were one of the only ones left! That’s just the way Trump likes it, right?

But it’s an insane environment. You have a Chief of Staff who is supposed to be the boss under the boss. But you might outrank him because you’ve been there from the beginning, you’re the most trusted adviser and you’re family. Then there’s Ivanka who has veto power over anything she truly hates, to say nothing of the back-stabbing rest of the staff. It has to ruin all the important structure you were taught in business school. You were a terrible businessman, but you surely knew at least that part. What a bloody mess.

And that, Jared, is how you acquired so much power, which we needed to establish before we get to all that blood.

*

Brace yourself, Jared …

You did get that security clearance, eventually, and you were big on reading the Middle East stuff, weren’t you? Yeah, yeah, you were in charge of the Middle-East “peace plan,” but people know that the peace thing didn’t capture your interest. You wanted to know all about Saudi Arabia, right? And Qatar. And the UAE. If you could just get some of the good stuff, some critical information collected by U.S. spies – some of those spies risking their lives – if you could just get that stuff in your hands, you might find a buyer for that information. Someone soaked with oil money might pay to refinance that white elephant on 5th Ave. You saw a solution to your biggest financial problem.

Then you moved on it and don’t insult our intelligence by denying it, Jared.

Interestingly, you and Mohammed Bin Salam, “MBS,” the ruthless Saudi dictator became fast friends! Makes sense, guys the same age, one a hardcore Jew from New York, the city crushed by 9-11, and one a hardcore Muslim, whose country might well have financed much of the 9-11 plot, right? The only part of the 9-11 report that remains classified is the chapter on Saudi Arabia.

But anyway, you went over to Riyadh in 2017 on an unannounced trip, your third that year. You stayed up all night with this sand prince, talking to this animal. And then, in a crazy development, soon afterward, MBS had many family members and Saudi dissidents rounded up and jailed, some surely killed … painfully. The Trump administration blessed the unprecedented move as needed for stability and peace. ‘Just so weird how MBS got all those names and knew it’d be okay with us.

But it gets even crazier. Later on, Qatar needed help getting rid of the Saudi’s blockade of Qatar’s ports. Even the UAE was helping with the blockade. Eventually, Saudi and UAE packed up and went home. Then, somehow, a Qatari group linked to the UAE refinanced your POS building, taking care of the balloon payment.

It is all pretty convoluted because it had to be, right, Ace? After all, there was blood all over the floor and it would be awful if it appeared you were involved.

Are you starting to get an idea why the intelligence community didn’t want you fcking near any top secret shit, Jared? Blood and Money. An old, sick, government intelligence sin, blood and money.

And there you were.

*

Now we go to blood and American politics so we can wrap this up. COVID.

Yes, Jared, we will certainly go through COVID. We will ease into it and start off right up top (to get it out of the way), that there’s no doubt, son, that your companies took some money from that delicious PPP program, much more than they were entitled to. It’s practically your style now, your raison d’etre.

But even that’s not really what we’re going to talk about. We’re talking about the blood.

Early on, people were literally falling in the streets of your home town, NYC. The hospital system nearly broke. And some medical staff definitely broke, they still aren’t the same, even now. People talk about hearing the wail of ambulances all night, the cheers at 7:00 a.m., New York was dying, Jared. Jesus, man – we’re talking about your damned home town. There are so so so few people that could see all that happen without even a fraction of humanity.

Yet you, the most powerful White House staffer, you were one of those people.

This is so stunning, to write it almost seems fictional. You saw all that awful carnage through a purely political lens. “It was a blue state problem so blame the governors and worry about the money and political end.” That’s you, Jared, back when it was hitting the west coast and northeast, places you wouldn’t win if the Russian military ran our election. So all of it was “their problem.”

It set-up a pattern, let the governors handle all the bad-shit, these poor governors without a fraction of the resources of the federal government. Put it all on them. Then you tossed aside the CDC, so that you guys in the White House could handle the “messaging” and take credit for the small victories. You had a mission … the campaign! And this was not going to be the damned problem that brought you down! Right, Jared?

As the epidemic beat on, you guys specialized in always finding someone to blame. Instead of sending in the military, Doctors Without Borders, and help from all over the world, you blamed Cuomo and other governors, talked about ventilators, blamed empty shelves on Obama, and, and this is so bad we’re saving this part for last, your “political messaging” was that COVID wasn’t so bad, “we do so much testing,” millions would have been killed, and worst of all, you guys didn’t say anything meaningful about masks, because they were a constant reminder to people that a serious epidemic was in the air and that reminder might slow the economy down, right? It threatened your campaign.

Your country died and is still dying, more blood. Yes, a vaccine is coming, but you guys had fuck all to do with that victory because every bio-company on earth was frantically working on it. “Operation warp speed” must have only gone to warp “8” since the U.K. had the vaccine first. Meanwhile, as of this writing, we have 351,000 dead! By the time Biden puts his hand on the Bible, it may be 400,000, by far the worst in the world. A part of us all died.

And where were you, Jared, the “senior White House advisor?” We’ll tell you, you were a guy worried this would cost y’all the election.

Hundreds of thousands of lives might’ve been saved had the CDC taken control and the White House recommended saving everyone possible with masks and whatever else, too. So much blood, Jared. Tears, now, tears mixed with blood.

*

We will say goodbye, Jared, and start by saying that history will look at you as one of the monsters in this administration. We promise you.

Before you get defensive, let us let “you” in on a bit of a secret. Many of us, most of us, probably, after helping to win a campaign, and then asked to take a position like yours, that high up, in charge of so many issues, would have very politely said, “It’s an honor to be asked, thank you. But you need people with far more experience. You need eight to ten true professionals who have spent a lifetime preparing for positions just like this. I will specialize in giving you some emotional support, some feedback, and help with your business a bit. But not work here.”

Jared, as fcking crazy as that may sound to you, we promise you, most of us would’ve done just that. As awestruck as we’d be, and much as maybe we’d want to be “that guy,” we’d know, Jared. Did you learn anything in business school? We would know, “I am not qualified for that, not even close. I actually could be … dangerous. I could make a mistake, some rookie mistake, that someone with twenty-five years of experience would never, ever, make. Kinda like what happened with the building. So, I can’t do this. The honorable and smart thing to do is admit that to Trump and myself. I could take a little pride in that.”

It’s not that hard, Jared. Thousands of good government employees in big departments are smart enough to make decisions like that every year.

That is what you needed to say, Jared. Nothing more. But just like you didn’t learn anything buying that stupid damned building, you never learned that you didn’t know what you were doing.

You intentionally did some horrific stuff, but you also made huge mistakes. You brought Russia front and center into our politics, to the point that they have our computers hacked up our ass and it might take a decade to get rid of their influence entirely. Saudi Arabia surely has devastating information against us now that can be used to twist our arm off, if needed. And though you intentionally made COVID a political issue, you made a devastating mistake as to how bad it could get.

Ever so gratefully, you played a huge role in why you lost the election. You lost by seven million votes. Fck the electoral college, seven million people, Jared! Yes, COVID cost you, but it was also so much more. It was the United States of America, the mightiest power on earth, an empire built-up over centuries, the richest nation to ever grace the planet, a nation with 340 million people, all that and more, seeing an arrogant spit like you, all but running the place.

It is humiliating to you, and humiliating to us. How did we ever get here?

You should have never been allowed to do what you did. You should have never wanted to do what you did. You are too god damned arrogant to really know it. But you’re also still young. As you mature, we think you’ll see it, in parts. We figured you out before you figured you out.

And we’ll thank God for that. In the end, we won, not you. You were easily outmatched.

Jared? Look at your hands as we part. Because the blood is still there. It always will be. Maybe someday you’ll figure out why. And then you’ll have to live with it, which is more than a lot of Americans can say.

Goodbye, Jared. You, more than most, should be so damned ashamed of yourself.

Over the next month, we are doing a series, Goodbye to All That, in which we will say goodbye to each member of the Trump administration. We will do at least two a week and always one on the weekend. 

Part One of our series – Goodbye Kayleigh McEnany — You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself and You Will Not Be Missed

Part Two of our series – Goodbye Ivanka Trump — You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself and You Will Not Be Missed

Part Three of our series – Goodbye Mike Pence — You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself and You Will Not Be Missed

Part Four of our series – Goodbye Bill Barr — You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself and You Will Not Be Missed

Part Five of our series – Goodbye Melania Trump — You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself and You Will Not Be Missed

Part Six of our Series – Goodbye Don Jr. — You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself and You Will Not Be Missed

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Peace, y’all
Jason
[email protected] and on Twitter @JasonMiciak