Politics - News Analysis

Trump Could Keep His Own Private iPhone, But Biden Won’t Be Able to Bring His Peloton

It may come as a shock to people having come of age during the Trump presidency, but as a rule of thumb, security is taken pretty damned seriously at the White House. Of course, one is only as secure as one’s president because no one can stop a guy who’s going to pick up his phone – the one he brought into the White House – and kick his legs up, hit “Contacts,” bring up “Daddy,” and say “Hey, Vladdy, how are you, sir? Now can I have that building?” (We don’t know if Trump ever accepted a new secure phone, we only know that he refused one when he first moved in. Trump being Trump, he probably worried that handing his phone over would lead to a twenty felony harvest.)

But they do take security seriously and not just in bunkers.

Biden has worked in the White House. Biden has helped make the call on a mission to kill Bin Laden. Biden knows that the White House is like Las Vegas, things that happen in the White House stay in the White House. And that’s why he may not be able to bring his Peleton bike with him. (We will take it!)

They all hook to the net. How else does one get yelled at by a perfectly sculpted spin teacher in New York from 3,000 miles away? They have cameras on you so they can pick you out to mock you. You can tell another person “F-You, I’m going by.” All that. It might as well be a phone. From Popular Mechanics:

“Because you’re connected to the internet, even though there are firewalls and intrusion detection software … those things can be gotten around if you’re really good and skilled,” Max Kilger, Ph.D., director of the Data Analytics Program and Associate Professor in Practice at the University of Texas at San Antonio, tells Popular Mechanics.

Kilger believes the Secret Service will have to take measures to protect Biden’s Peloton from outside threats. “If you really want that Peloton to be secure, you yank out the camera, you yank out the microphone, and you yank out the networking equipment … and you basically have a boring bike,” Kilger says. “You lose the shiny object and the attractiveness.”

But things that connect to the net are an issue in the White House and don’t ask us how they manage security with all that computer stuff. We know the Russians could probably watch Biden bike and Trump … never mind.

But Joe shouldn’t fret. Being president comes with some other perks. Obama kept in shape by playing basketball and a lot of the time he invited some guys on his Secret Service detail to play. We are positive that the men and women in the Secret Service don’t make it a secret that they work out and are plenty fit and strong. So, why not put 15 bikes in a big room, hold a spin class for anyone that wants to attend, including those Secret Service agents, and pay one of them to ride up front and scream at you?

Think about it. It would be the one time that a Secret Service agent could get away with telling the president that he’s killing the team. “Get on it, Joe! C’mon man! We’re falling behind!”

Why not? We would have the fittest president since … Obama. And they damn sure won’t be serving Kentucky Fried Chicken after. It will be spinach salad with lots of egg whites and a vinaigrette.

There’s a new sheriff in town. Security matters again and that means some folks best start getting in shape. They don’t want to have to call Jill down and kick all their asses.


Peace, y’all
[email protected] and on Twitter @JasonMiciak

meet the author

Jason Miciak is a political writer, features writer, author, and attorney. He is originally from Canada but grew up in the Pacific Northwest. He now enjoys life as a single dad raising a ridiculously-loved young girl on the beaches of the Gulf Coast. He is very much the dreamy mystic, a day without learning is a day not lived. He is passionate about his flower pots and studies philosophical science, religion, and non-mathematical principles of theoretical physics. Dogs, pizza, and love are proof that God exists. "Above all else, love one another."


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