Politics - News Analysis
One Quarter of U.S. Men Believe They Could Beat a King Cobra in a ‘Fight,’ One-Quarter of U.S. Men Believe Trump Won the Election, Coincidence?
A weekend column.
Someone with far too much time on their hands commissioned YouGov to do a poll on the type of animals that various men, and various women, believe they could beat in hand-to-hand combat. And yes, 26% of men believe that they could defeat a King Cobra.
To be fair, very few American men have ever shaken hands with a King Cobra to size them up. Come to think of it, no one in India or Thailand has ever shaken a King Cobra’s hand, either. Snakes are – in some ways – at a distinct evolutionary disadvantage in this day and age, what with not having arms and legs. But this is hand to hand and the King Cobra still packs a punch with their kiss. (We admit, all snakes got the bad end of the evolutionary deal, developing their highly poisonous bites, but no limbs, long before the invention of a shovel.)
We point this out because 70% of Republicans believe that Trump won the election, and most of those MAGAs are men (by percentage) and that puts the percentage of men in this country that believe Trump won the election to be right around 25-30%. We have no scientific basis to believe that there is complete overlap in this group. On the other hand, a typical male Biden voter might be a chemistry teacher at your local high school. Would he believe he could fight a king cobra? Come on.
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We believe there should be many more polls such as these. Republicans want proof of I.D. to vote, we want proof of rational thought. Clearly, though, we democRAT p*ssies don’t realize that the average MAGA man could defeat a King Cobra in a fight. And so we’re going to make them a deal. For every single one of them that lines up in the middle of a UFC cage and defeats a King Cobra in a fight, we will find a Democrat to vote for the MAGA. For every MAGA that loses? Well, that’s one less MAGA vote. Pretty sick, we know. But not as sick as believing Trump actually won the election.
But we best make rules. Some of these men surely believe that they could win that fight by getting bit, killing the snake, and getting treatment. Wrong. Against the rules. If a man is willing to withstand getting bit four times to grab the thing around the neck and… if both fighters die in the process (no medical intervention), both lose. Though the one that had a frontal lobe is the bigger loser.
Happy weekend, everyone.
[email protected] and on Twitter @JasonMiciak