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Trump Has Pathetic New Excuse for Why He Was Slurring and Lisping Throughout Elon Musk Interview

Anyone who tuned in knew there was something going on.

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In Donald Trump’s Monday night livestream with X CEO Elon Musk, it became clear pretty quickly that something was happening with the way he spoke. Every S sound turned into an SH sound, like if someone’s lower denture was rattling around in their mouth.

That’s not an age joke; I have dentures myself. I’m speaking from experience.

What it is, however, is a commentary on the fact that he doesn’t want anyone thinking he’s any less than superhuman. So his first response to the criticism he got for the strange sound of his voice was to deny it was strange at all. “Must be your ears,” spokesman Steven Cheung told reporters.

But now Trump is changing his tune, and he says that it was technological difficulties.

Well, no kidding. We know there were glitches during the show because, well, there were obvious glitches. Users were unable to join and the stream was completely overwhelmed. Musk told listeners that could actually hear that the site was a victim of a “massive” DDoS attack — a Distributed Denial of Service — which is a federal crime.

But the rest of X was working fine, so it couldn’t have been that.

Regardless, even that wouldn’t have caused Trump to slur his words the way he was. In fact, read that last sentence again like this, and you’ll have some idea: “Regardlesh, even that wouldn’t have cauzhed Trump to shlur hizh wordzh the way he wazh.” Now you’re hearing it.

Trump, however, took to Truth Social and straight-up undermined Musk’s explanation:

“Unfortunately, because of the complexity of modern day equipment, and cellphone technology, my voice was, in certain areas, somewhat different and strange.” Yes, Donnie, all of us have a very hard time figuring out our cell phones and how to talk at a screen.

Trump’s X account shared an “updated” version of the audio from the livestream, and although I still hear the issues with the way he speaks, the emperor’s always wearing a new outfit these days, and everyone’s saying it sounds much better.

I still think it’s dentures, but Trump will admit to having those right after he admits that he wears lifts in his shoes.

Andrew Simpson
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Andrew is a dark blue speck in deep red Central Washington, writing with the conviction of 18 years at the keyboard and too much politics to even stand. When not furiously stabbing the keys on breaking news stories, he writes poetry, prose, essays, haiku, lectures, stories for grief therapy, wedding ceremonies, detailed instructions on making doughnuts from canned biscuit dough (more sugar than cinnamon — duh), and equations to determine the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. A girlfriend, a dog, two cats, and two birds round out the equation, and in his spare time, Drewbear likes to imagine what it must be like to have spare time.

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