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Trump Looks So Ghastly and Hideous in New Photo at the Border People Are Wondering About His Health, ‘Looks Like the Crypt Keeper!’

Holy cow, this is real.

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When a prominent social media poster is also the artist behind a popular funny cartoon series, it’s hard to tell when they’re kidding. The line between parody and reality has become razor-thin in the Trump era.

So when Rob DenBlyker, the creator of the smash hit web series “Cyanide and Happiness,” posted a picture of Donald Trump down at the border, noting that it was an unretouched photograph from the most trusted name in news photography, it was hard to trust my eyes.

Then I found the picture on Getty. Rob was not kidding.

Now, I understand if someone’s having an off day. Trump has certainly had a record number of those when it comes to his hair and makeup. For one, his half-attempt at a combover is no longer a secret, even to him.

What’s more, there are only two possibilities when it comes to his makeup: Either he has the worst luck in history picking makeup artists, or he demands makeup that cannot be made to look good.

I’m guessing it’s the latter.

The number of times we’ve seen Trump show up to events with visible defining lines on the sides of his face where the bronzer he uses hasn’t touched his pasty white skin has to be in the thousands and this point.

But the picture Rob stumbled across defies any of this generous accommodation. It is inexplicably bad. As in, I almost feel badly FOR Trump for once. How anyone let him get in front of a podium looking this way is beyond comprehension. Was someone playing a joke on him? Has he treated his staff so badly that they’re afraid to tell him the emperor has no clothes on?

Either way, I feel compelled to take back all of the joking articles about how bad Trump looks in public, both on my behalf and on behalf of anyone who’s ever written about it.

Have you ever seen the first Indiana Jones movie, Raiders of the Lost Ark? Remember the end?

Yeah, that:

Just look at this man, in a similar photo:

Photo by Olivier Touron/AFP via Getty Images.

Tell me you can look at that photo without feeling at least a LITTLE bad for this poor sap. I’ve only felt bad for him over his appearance one other time, and that’s when those sculptors were putting up the naked statues of Trump without genitals.

He was depicted pretty true to form, so what that effort was about was body-shaming. I don’t get down with that. I’m a little chubby and make weird gestures; add genitals and any of those faceless statues could have been me.

This is not that. This comes from choices that Donald Trump makes. I believe they are rooted in the same part of the brain that makes him think gold-plating everything, making sure his name is in gold letters on the sides of buildings, and signing everything with a gold Sharpie are good aesthetic choices.

You don’t HAVE to do your hair that way, sir. And I’m sorry, but the Arizona sun is something you plan for. I know, I lived there, in the westernmost suburb of Phoenix, where it’s 85 degrees in mid-November. Melted makeup is not necessary.

The bottom line is, he’s not fooling anyone anymore, if he ever was. This photo proves it.

As a final aside, I hope I can be forgiven for initially thinking this was fake. In my defense, DenBlyker had a back-and-forth almost immediately trading jokes with his “Cyanide and Happiness” co-creator, Dave McElfatrick:

These jokes turn it into something else entirely… But the guys aren’t wrong.

Others also had a field day:

Andrew Simpson
meet the author

Andrew is a dark blue speck in deep red Central Washington, writing with the conviction of 18 years at the keyboard and too much politics to even stand. When not furiously stabbing the keys on breaking news stories, he writes poetry, prose, essays, haiku, lectures, stories for grief therapy, wedding ceremonies, detailed instructions on making doughnuts from canned biscuit dough (more sugar than cinnamon — duh), and equations to determine the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. A girlfriend, a dog, two cats, and two birds round out the equation, and in his spare time, Drewbear likes to imagine what it must be like to have spare time.

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