2024 Election

Trump Lawyer Alina Habba Looks Like She’s ‘Practicing For a Strip Club’ as She Dances on the Stage at MAGA Rally

What is it with these people and dancing? I thought they HATED joy.

Alina Habba, the attorney who’s cost Donald Trump $500 million so far, is inexplicably still employed by the 34-time (and counting) felon. I’ve thought all along that there must be something she’s good at, that he keeps her around for. It’s certainly not her prowess as a lawyer.

It looks like we might have our answer. Donald Trump must be in love with the way she dances.

Now, don’t mistake me observing the fact that she DOES dance with me thinking that she CAN dance. Quite to the contrary. But then, Donald Trump can’t dance, either, so it makes sense that he’d like her style as well.

Habba’s latest dance routine came, ironically, to the tune of “All I Do Is Win,” by DJ Khaled. The irony may not have been lost on me, but it certainly was on the crowd at Madison Square Garden on Sunday. Habba was one of the opening acts for the hate-fest, and the crowd ate her up.

But the rest of the world? Not so much. First, watch the entrance:

Okay, now THAT’s a serious presidential candidate’s rally right there! I’m just gonna go out on a limb and assume that the jacket is just the nicest of her extensive collection of sparkly Trump-themed outerwear. I mean, look at that thing swing and shine!

Alright, I’m kidding. Enough with the sarcasm: Habba looks ridiculous. I don’t know if it’s any more ridiculous than she looked when she posted all those Instagram pictures of herself in a bikini at Mar-a-Lago, but it’s right up there.

The internet thought so, too. Eternally-online Molly Jong-Fast posted the video too, captioned “I would have just hired a normal lawyer who doesn’t dance but could maybe do law.”

And the hits kept on coming. Apparently, all social media does is win, because Habba got owned harder than all of Rudy Giuliani’s personal belongings in his latest lawsuit loss.

And Molly was hardly the only one even posting the video. Regular contributor to social media’s video content Aaron Rupar had a go at it too, and the comments on his post are no less spectacular. Everyone is a runner-up the commenter who called Habba the “Temu Melania,” but there was plenty of funny:

Well, last guy I quoted, the answers were all pretty similar. Looks like we’re just down to where she’s going to set up shop.

When Ms. Habba spoke during the rally, she sounded much the same as Trump’s other female talking heads. She did a folksy delivery straight to the crowd.

“Hey guys, they’re now scrambling and trying to call us Nazis and fascists,” she said. “And you know what they’re claiming, guys? It’s very scary. They’re claiming we’re going to go after them and try and put them in jail. Well, ain’t that rich?”

A couple of things here, Alina: It’s hard not to call someone a Nazi and a fascist who is quoted as having been jealous of Hitler. Even his first wife, forever enshrined at the Bedminster Memorial Golf Course and Cemetery, told us all about the copy of Mein Kampf the Trumpster kept on his nightstand.

And maybe — I’m just guessing here — maybe people think Trump is going to “go after them and try and put them in jail” because Trump SAID he was going to do exactly that. Like, you can hardly find a speech anymore that he does that doesn’t have some variation on that theme.

Heck, he half-threatened former First Lady Michelle Obama yesterday in Atlanta, saying she’d “opened up a box of something” and “made a big mistake.” What are people supposed to think he means by that stuff? That he’s not buying them Christmas presents this year?

Not that he’ll be buying many presents at all once he has to cough up the half billion dollars that Habba’s cost him so far. All she does is LOSE. She’s 0–4 with him so far. On the dance floor? We’ll be kind and call it 0–1 at this point, just because it’s the first time I’ve seen her moves.

meet the author

Andrew is a dark blue speck in deep red Central Washington, writing with the conviction of 18 years at the keyboard and too much politics to even stand. When not furiously stabbing the keys on breaking news stories, he writes poetry, prose, essays, haiku, lectures, stories for grief therapy, wedding ceremonies, detailed instructions on making doughnuts from canned biscuit dough (more sugar than cinnamon — duh), and equations to determine the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. A girlfriend, a dog, two cats, and two birds round out the equation, and in his spare time, Drewbear likes to imagine what it must be like to have spare time.

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