2024 Election

Vain and Sweaty Trump Gets Trolled After He Spazzes Out About His Awful Combover During Pennsylvania Rally

Seriously, can somebody tell this guy to update the 'do?

For all the things that Donald Trump is now famous for — his racism, his crimes, his friendships with dictators — there’s been one overarching theme in his infamy since he stepped on the public scene.

At first, Donald was just any other rich real estate mogul. But then came his hair. It’s not clear when Trump began losing his hair, but it has, for decades now, been an open secret that he has an awful combover that is apparently impervious to any sort of styling that makes it look like less than a rat’s nest on top of his head.

He’s been made fun of for his daring ‘do for years now, and at times even gotten in on the fun, allowing late night hosts to touch it to make sure it’s real.

But now it appears that Trump has embraced the hair as part of his personality, and the unspoken truth has shifted. He thinks he looks good. He wears oversized suits, ties that are too long, and an estimated 15 daily pounds of caked-on bronzer to disguise his pasty complexion and veiny, turkey-like neck wattle.

And he brags about it all. He’s now done more than one rally during which he’s complained that he’s out there trying to save America when he could instead be sunning his “beautiful body” out on a beach somewhere.

But in public, he never acknowledges his awful haberdashery, his makeup, or his ties. The hair, on the other hand, he turns out to be a little more sensitive about. It’s been a few months since he publicly complained about how his hair was done, shouting at his crew to turn off their cameras. And he’s back at it.

The social media account Kamala HQ caught him grousing about his mussed mop during a Pennsylvania rally that took place over the weekend. But did you notice what’s different about what he said?

“I was actually…. I’m just looking at my hair. I don’t like it. I should have been looking a little left — nah. I started looking at my hair. I said tahh dee yahh. Am I allowed to go back and re-comb it? Nah.”

Di-did Donald just say that HE COMBED HIS OWN HAIR?

One might expect that the only circumstance that might lead to him admitting responsibility for his appearance would be if he looked particularly good. I can hear him saying it now: “My staff, they said, ‘Sir, your hair looks fantastic tonight! Nobody’s hair has ever looked that good!’ And I only hire the best staff, so they know I know hair. I know hair better than anyone. It’s very unsettling to the supermodels and the shampoo commercial people, how well I know hair.”

Okay, he didn’t say any of that. But I could see it. And the people commenting on the video clip from his rally thought he was just vain enough to say something that silly too.

But wait? Could all of these people be… absolutely right? Is he, in fact, on a roll with hair “jokes” at his rallies because he WANTS people looking at his hair? This is from his rally two days before the last video you saw:

Gosh, Mr. Trump. If you’re so upset about how your hair looks, maybe stop combing it yourself at all. You can’t seem to do a good enough job to be happy with it during your public appearances. God only knows what your hair must look like when you’re hunched over a bucket of KFC in sweats on a Sunday.

I’m with the folks on X. Donald needs to stop preening over himself, and start doing important work. Like making sure he’s got everything packed for his walk of shame out of the spotlight.

meet the author

Andrew is a dark blue speck in deep red Central Washington, writing with the conviction of 18 years at the keyboard and too much politics to even stand. When not furiously stabbing the keys on breaking news stories, he writes poetry, prose, essays, haiku, lectures, stories for grief therapy, wedding ceremonies, detailed instructions on making doughnuts from canned biscuit dough (more sugar than cinnamon — duh), and equations to determine the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. A girlfriend, a dog, two cats, and two birds round out the equation, and in his spare time, Drewbear likes to imagine what it must be like to have spare time.

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