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Stop Wondering: ‘MAGA Crunch Cereal’ Is Real, and it Will Make Your Teeth as Rotten as a Carved Pumpkin on November 5th

Named after the original Jackoff o' Lantern.

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In the world of grift, Donald J. Trump is peerless. He is unequaled in both his delusion and his audacity. I have come to accept this as a fact, and yet somehow I’m still amazed and appalled every time a new product comes out for his rabid fans to eat with a spoon.

Before, I might have meant that figuratively, in the “spoon-fed lies” sense. But the latest product really is something you eat with a spoon.

That looks like a cartoon, right? Does that look real to you? In fact, if you go to the website, which I won’t link here, because screw that guy, it actually says the site is a parody and not affiliated with Donald Trump.

How could it possibly be? The red, white, and blue box. The amber waves of grain on his head. The cereal killer smile on his face. “A Taste Of Freedom In Every Bite,” reads the blurb on the front. The description on the site literally sounds like it was written by the team at Saturday Night Live.

Introducing MAGA Crunch Cereal, where every bite is a triumph for your taste buds and the American dream! Just like our favorite President, this cereal promises to make breakfast great again.

Picture this: crunchy golden flakes that taste like the sweet success of a secure border and a booming economy. Each spoonful is like a victory lap around the bowl, with cinnamon swirls that rival the swirl of positive news headlines.

Feel the satisfaction of knowing that every crunch supports a strong breakfast economy. MAGA Crunch doesn’t just fill you up; it builds a wall of flavor in your mouth that Mexico would envy.

Grab a box today and start your morning off with a bowl full of American spirit and cinnamon goodness. Because when it comes to cereal, and everything else, why settle for anything less than great?

As ridiculous as it sounds, and even if it IS exclusively for nuts and flakes, this is unfortunately a real thing. It’s thirty bucks a box, and sells to people who have been complaining about the price of eggs for a year.

Still don’t believe me?

Yep, that’s former Real Housewives of New Jersey star Siggy Flicker in the middle there, who is a real person you can Google, despite her fake name and facial features.

Oh, it can, Captain Spatchcock. Here’s a video of a man turning the box over and over in his hands, admiring the “Hunter’s Crackword Puzzle” and “Bidenomics Word Search” on the back.

YouTube video

The internet got a sugar high just looking at the shiny red box, and there was 4,000% of the recommended daily allowance of comments on this post.

I really wish that if someone was going to make a parody this convincing, it could have a more appropriate name. Grope Nuts, maybe? Grifter Grahams? Overcomb? Banana Nut Leer-ios? The possibilities are endless.

I would ask what ultra-hypocrite Robert F. Kennedy Jr. thinks of sugary breakfast cereals as the incoming Boss of What We Eat, but I did just see a picture of him on a plane with the Trump boys and Elon Musk chowing down on boxes and boxes of McDonald’s goodness.

This is what Trump sells, writ large. He is not a president, and he has no actual political agenda. He just knows how to market to consumers, and it will take a recall of the ingredients and a few lawsuits before he moves on to the next grift. And this cereal isn’t even anything new. This, as many people pointed out, is essentially the same thing as Cinnamon Toast Crunch, only, you know, five times the price.

That sounds about right for a Donald Trump product.

Andrew Simpson
meet the author

Andrew is a dark blue speck in deep red Central Washington, writing with the conviction of 18 years at the keyboard and too much politics to even stand. When not furiously stabbing the keys on breaking news stories, he writes poetry, prose, essays, haiku, lectures, stories for grief therapy, wedding ceremonies, detailed instructions on making doughnuts from canned biscuit dough (more sugar than cinnamon — duh), and equations to determine the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. A girlfriend, a dog, two cats, and two birds round out the equation, and in his spare time, Drewbear likes to imagine what it must be like to have spare time.

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