Of all the things you absolutely don’t need, you don’t need this one the most. That should be the slogan for anything that Donald Trump sells. After years of trying his hand at various products that he’s been able to sell to the easily-duped, Trump is especially motivated lately to prove the old adage about a fool and his money.

In fact, if you buy anything from the former and future president, you’re likely to be helping him pay off his sexual abuse victim and the victims of his financial fraud in New York. He owes more than half a billion dollars in legal fees and restitution from the E. Jean Carroll case and his extensive financial fraud alone.

That doesn’t even touch the money he owes to lawyers he hasn’t paid, contractors he hasn’t paid, and cities he hasn’t repaid for his rallies. Oh, he’ll try and get that money from you, too.

But for all of the absolute bunk he’s been hawking over the decades, his cologne has to really be the rhinestone centerpiece of the gold-plated ring.

He’s got multiple lines, of course. One is called “Fight Fight Fight,” after the infamous words he shouted immediately after the “assassination attempt” that took place at a rally in Pennsylvania earlier this year. The website promises a “bold scent” that “delivers rich, robust notes that leave a lasting impression.”

Trump does offer a caveat, though: “Not just a cologne – it’s a symbol of resilience. Inspired by Trump’s relentless drive, wear it with pride and confidence.”

Then there’s the “Victory” scent, the cheapest of the bunch at $119 a bottle. In case you didn’t already have those weird old Avon colognes in mind that came in bottles shaped like horses, turkeys, pipes, and cars, this one comes packaged extravagantly as well. The bottle itself is gold, and the cap is a sight to behold: A tiny bust of Trump in his younger years.

The description from the official Trump website is even better:

“Victory” is the signature scent of strength and success, encased in a luxurious gold bottle. This cologne, a part of President Trump’s exclusive line, is for the decisive and the bold.

A crisp opening of citrus blends into a cedar heart, underpinned by a rich base of leather and amber, crafting a commanding presence. “Victory” is more than a fragrance — this cologne is for the movers, the shakers, and the history makers. Crowned with a Trump Collector’s cap, splash on a bit of Victory and own every room you step into. “Victory” is very much a collector’s piece. The first batch has sold out. Trump Fragrances for Men are estimated to ship in Sept/Oct 2024.

You’ll note that you can’t get any now, since it’s sold out. Also, you may never get any, because the official website, as of just now, when I pulled that statement off of it, is still “estimating” that it “will ship” two or three months ago.

I had to showcase that one because it’s the funniest of the bunch as a whole, but the snippet for the demographic that Trump’s ladies fragrance is aimed at is the funniest thing on the entire site, just as a standalone sentence. The wording is… interesting.

“…for women who embody strength and grace, like President Trump.” That really can go either way, guys. I know a decent writer if you actually pay your writers.*

Anyway, the whole thing is hilarious to me for a relatively obscure reason.

It’s not really a stretch of the imagination to think that Donald Trump probably doesn’t have a pleasant smell. If he does wear cologne, I wouldn’t expect it to be terribly far removed from Eau de Gold Sharpie™.

That is NOT what former congressman Adam Kinzinger says he smells like. He tweeted last December about it:

I’m genuinely surprised how people close to Trump haven’t talked about the odor.

It’s truly something to behold. Wear a mask if you can

— Adam Kinzinger (Slava Ukraini) 🇺🇸🇺🇦🇮🇱 (@AdamKinzinger) December 16, 2023

Then, just after Christmas, when there actually were rumors about Trump’s particular aroma wafting around, the ex-Representative was a guest on Meidas Touch Network, and he described Trump’s signature scent in a horrifyingly graphic way.

In fact, he suggested it might be turned into a cologne:

“It’s not good. The best way to describe it… take armpits, ketchup, a butt and makeup and put that all in a blender and bottle that as a cologne. That’s kind of that. I’ve been amazed that everybody is just kind of learning about this now.”

Apparently victory smells like Tammy Fay Baker farted in the ball pit at McDonald’s.

*Of course I would never write for Donald Trump, don’t be ridiculous.