In today’s episode of *How Low Can You Go?*, Donald Trump—yes, still somehow President—has rolled out the $TRUMP memecoin, because when you think “stable economic leadership,” you obviously think of cartoonish crypto scams. And just to make sure this latest grift hits peak absurdity, Trump is offering an actual *dinner with himself* to the top 220 buyers of his shiny new fake money.

You heard right. Forget about boring things like public service or basic ethics; welcome to the Trump White House, where buying presidential access is now as easy as throwing your life savings into a meme token. And don’t worry if you’re skeptical about the legality—Trump’s whole vibe now is, “Is it illegal? Maybe! But what are you gonna do about it, lib?”

The $TRUMP coin, of course, skyrocketed in value the moment Trump dangled the tantalizing possibility of breathing the same air as him at his golf club. The catch? There’s fine print (because of course there is): Trump *might not even show up* at the dinner you just mortgaged your house to attend. But hey, if he ghosts you, you’ll get a consolation prize—a limited edition Trump NFT. Truly, nothing says “once-in-a-lifetime experience” like a pixelated JPEG you can stare at while questioning your life choices.

Naturally, ethics experts (a species Trump has never once consulted) are raising the tiny, insignificant issue that maybe—*just maybe*—having the President of the United States peddle dinner invites through a cryptocurrency scheme could be seen as, you know, horrifyingly corrupt. Senator Chris Murphy, in a moment of stunning understatement, called it “the most corrupt thing any president has ever done,” which is impressive considering Trump’s resume also includes two impeachments, a Capitol riot, and enough lawsuits to wallpaper Mar-a-Lago.

And let’s not even get started on who’s buying these coins. Turns out, the blockchain ledger (because crypto bros love receipts) shows some of the top $TRUMP investors have international ties. What could go wrong when a sitting president lets foreign nationals basically bid for face time? If you’re getting flashbacks to shady hotel deals with Saudi royalty and “perfect phone calls” with Ukraine, congratulations—you’ve been paying attention.

The Trump team, ever the paragons of transparency, insists that there’s absolutely no conflict of interest here, because technically Trump’s assets are managed by his adult children—those same fine public servants who treat ethics rules like speed bumps. According to them, Trump is merely an innocent bystander while *other people* sell golden crypto coins with his face on them and promise access to his golf courses. Totally believable.

In case you thought this was an isolated moment of madness, remember: Trump has already sold sneakers, cologne, NFTs, and Bibles to his loyal fanbase. Adding crypto tokens to the merch table feels less like a surprise and more like the natural next step. Honestly, it’s shocking he hasn’t announced Trump-branded life insurance policies for rally-goers yet: “Get a free red hat with every $5,000 premium!”

At the end of the day, $TRUMP isn’t just a coin—it’s a lifestyle. A lifestyle where the Constitution is optional, ethics are for suckers, and the presidency is just another brand extension to be milked dry. So invest today, folks! After all, what could possibly go wrong investing your hard-earned cash into a meme coin run by a guy who bankrupted a casino?