We commit to taking Greg Kelly to the shed each and every time he says something stupid and it appears he’s intent on keeping us up late at night. The man fcked with the dogs and we just have no patience for that here. We are of the firm belief that no person actually “deserves” all the love dogs show us and we’re just as firm that Greg Kelly should take up a job feeding dogs instead of working on air, no matter how shitty the network.

Guys and gals that work at NASA are just wired differently than you and me. These people will work fifteen years of their life planning for exactly one mission, from drawing board until the end of experiments. This, of course, means that on average, a second project would be one in which a person is a seasoned veteran, and perhaps the managing director of the third. It truly sucks that any one of these three missions might end up as a flaming ball slamming into a planet 120 million miles away.

Nowadays, getting off the earth isn’t quite as stressful as it once might have been. But even that launch would have one sucking wind for a few minutes until in orbit. From there it would be seven long months, planning for every possible failure, before the Mars rover Perseverance even arrived Mars. But all that was easy compared to slowing a capsule going 17,000 miles per hour and landing it softly enough on the surface to function. Try dropping your phone off your chair, fumble your laptop while walking, see how it goes.

So, perhaps fifteen years, one-third of your career, comes down to how that thing does over ten minutes and not a normal ten minutes. This is rocket science. Some people watch sports with their blood pressure above 200. We will allow that it can be a tense time and there should be elation when it’s pulled off well. But not Greg Kelly, he wants them to calm down and act like the nerds that Kelly knows them to be:

I love these mission control people. But why do they celebrate like this ? Was there a chance the MARS PROBE could have Missed Mars? I mean, we have like Big Time computers that are “pretty good”—i suspect this might be a “made for tv moment” pic.twitter.com/xOFmDMeraV

— Greg Kelly (@gregkellyusa) February 19, 2021

Please to be fcking off! All the computers in the world do no good at all in one gigantic wind that comes up unexpectedly. Oh, and people program those computers and people have been known to mess up.

Greg might as well have said, “I love these mission control people but now I’m going to be the ultimate dick and tell them to settle down beside an old ugly dog and sip some wine, just like I would’ve done had the SCOTUS ruled that Trump would be president for life.”

And he called out a thirteen year old dog the night before. He doesn’t deserve to work on the same planet as dogs. Indeed, send Greg to Mars next time. See if anyone celebrates a successful landing.

Jesus, these people.

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Peace, y’all
Jason
[email protected] and on Twitter @JasonMiciak