Politics - News Analysis

Trump’s DC Hotel Gave Waitstaff a Seven Point Plan on How to Pour Trump a Diet Coke

Okay, okay, many readers remind us that Trump is no longer president and we should limit reporting on Donnie, personally, to matters involving the insurrection and his battle for the GOP with McConnell.


But we always try to give everybody some laughs on Friday because it is better than crying and as Biden leads us toward the last half of COVID, we need to start practicing again. Very little hits the spot quite like a reminder that Trump remains the world’s biggest asshole.

The restaurants in the Trump DC had sommeliers that surely follow a 24-point plan in opening a $300 bottle of wine, but only Trump could have a Diet Coke sommelier to open a fitty cent can (We wish it was three-fitty and if one gets the reference, the column is that much funnier and the reader that much cooler. Watch more South Park). Most people are happy to get up and get one themselves, not “this guy.”

Let’s dig-in to facts dug out by Rawstory:

A set of internal hotel documents obtained by the publication show that the hotel had a seven-step process for pouring Trump a Diet Coke that included four separate photo exhibits.

Step One: Realization that the pourer was dealing with both a germophobe and asshole. The can had to be opened in front of Trump. But we do need to point out that Trump was as bad at being a germaphobe as everything else. The “germaphobe” wouldn’t abide people wearing masks around him. It would have been so symbolic if his asshole-nature won out over the germaphobe in a battle to the death.

Step Two through whatever: “The server was to hold a longneck-bottle opener by the lower third of the handle in one hand and the Diet Coke, also by the lower third, in the other. Once poured, the drink had to be placed at the President’s right-hand side.” 

Why only the right side when he was going to drink it with two hands anyway? Do they even make longneck-bottle openers anymore? And yeah, Trump didn’t want anyone’s hands near him, just their coughs.

Step seven. Servers at the hotel restaurant were also instructed to ask Trump if he’d like his Diet Coke with or without ice the minute he was seated.

Wow. A lot of people, like everyone else ever, ask a person if they want ice before pouring the drink. Perhaps if the server told Trump beforehand whether the can was cold or not, they might have eliminated a step.

Then again, one could have eliminated every step had they just set a cold can in front of Trump and let him open it and pour. A lot of us treat ADD or whatever with soda all day and could crush Trump in the daily matches. But we suspect that Trump wanted that can opened a lot, just to put people through the humiliation. After all, why should they be any different than John Kelly?



Peace, y’all
[email protected] and on Twitter @JasonMiciak


meet the author

Jason Miciak is a political writer, features writer, author, and attorney. He is originally from Canada but grew up in the Pacific Northwest. He now enjoys life as a single dad raising a ridiculously-loved young girl on the beaches of the Gulf Coast. He is very much the dreamy mystic, a day without learning is a day not lived. He is passionate about his flower pots and studies philosophical science, religion, and non-mathematical principles of theoretical physics. Dogs, pizza, and love are proof that God exists. "Above all else, love one another."


Comments are currently closed.