Politics - News Analysis

A Sweaty Trump Goes off the Rails: Claims Reconciliation Bill ‘Will End America as We Know It’

The reclusive and always understated man, Donald Trump, overcame his shy nature to show up in Iowa today and wail away at the carnage he sees all around him. We presume that he didn’t mean the thousands of cultists that swarmed to Iowa today to hear the things that A) they knew they would hear, and B) things that they already know to be true, at least within their own minds.

So the man who takes pride in measuring the pulse of his followers, thinking only on what he can do in their best interests, decided that his generous spirit would lead him to Iowa, hoping to just bring a little joy to those folks, who watched Iowa beat Penn State today, something at least as important.

He knew that one of the most pressing concerns in Iowa had to be the fact that it is overrun with “bl00dthirsty” vampires, wait – no, it was gangs. The only people who worry about vampires live in Santa Cruz and they know there’s fck all Trump can do about it, being a vampire himself:

Before we go on to how the reconciliation bill will end America as we know it, we dearly need to point out that if bl00dthirsty vampires, we mean gangs, are taking over, that is what is going to end America as we know it, no matter what budget is signed in Washington.

But Trump is quite concerned that a modern New Deal will end America as we know it. This should absolutely be an applause line because “America, as we knew it” under Trump, was a four-year-long nightmare, so much so that they laughed, and cried, about what happened to the United States. Regardless:

Was the crisis in Afghanistan surrounding the pull out of American Troops Biden's fault or Trump's fault?

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Normally, we don’t cover a lot of Trump rallies. But since our readers surely don’t know that bl00d thirsty vampires, we mean gangs, are taking over our streets, and America as we know it is about to end, we believed you needed to know.

After all, you might not have even noticed. You might even think things are going fairly well.

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[email protected] and on Twitter @JasonMiciak

meet the author

Jason Miciak is a political writer, features writer, author, and attorney. He is originally from Canada but grew up in the Pacific Northwest. He now enjoys life as a single dad, writing from the beaches of the Gulf Coast, getting advice from his beloved daughter and teammate. He is very much the dreamy mystic that cannot add and loves dogs more than most people. He also likes studying cooking, theoretical physics, cosmology, and quantum mechanics. He likes pizza.

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