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Of Course: Trump is Selling Trump Christmas Stockings You Need to See to Believe

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File this under “You Know You Are in a Cult When” Category D, Subsection 3(a)

If there is not a rule, one is being made right now; No Christmas stocking should ever be hung prior to the dishes being done and the turkey de-boned for sandwich meat, all football watched, and kids away at a movie on Thanksgiving day. The Christmas season is only enjoyable when it’s one month every year. If one starts on the day after Halloween, stop. Thanksgiving might be the most “true to its roots” national holiday and should have its own season, thank you.

So it was already offensive to see Trump’s “Communications Director” (aka “the one who owns an active Twitter account”) advertising Trump Christmas stockings today. If she must, and she does, hock something MAGA today, it should be Trump turkeys, you know – all white meat with big breasts? (I am so sorry, I tried to resist, honest).

Nope. It is Christmas time. And though we doubt that she’s selling the stockings for $100, one-hundred does appear on the tweet – it can’t be ruled out. “Save America” also appears on the stocking itself, which is ironic because we’ve seen so many posters and paintings with Jesus and Trump, the MAGAs might propose moving Christmas to Trump’s birthday, or annually swapping dates, ruining Christmas and America at the same time.

So, a Trump stocking? Why? Beyond the cult thing.

There is only one answer and everyone knows it. You never actually “own” a Trump stocking, not forever. You rent them (for $100) and do not even think of filling that thing with oranges and socks. It is surely made with those things that suck in cash, like at Walmart, but won’t accept anything under a $100 bill. Oh, and we’re near positive that the stockings must be returned by January 2nd or one incurs a late fee of $100 a day, $200 if you rented the deluxe model (they are all the deluxe models).

Other than the fact that Trump appears to be selling stockings, all of the above is mere speculation, like almost everything Trump, you never know the full truth except it’s about money. Speaking of money, if Trump ever did develop a Trump brand turkey, would definitely be marketed as having…

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[email protected] and on Twitter @JasonMiciak
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Jason Miciak
meet the author

Jason Miciak is a political writer, features writer, author, and attorney. He is originally from Canada but grew up in the Pacific Northwest. He now enjoys life as a single dad raising a ridiculously-loved young girl on the beaches of the Gulf Coast. He is very much the dreamy mystic, a day without learning is a day not lived. He is passionate about his flower pots and studies philosophical science, religion, and non-mathematical principles of theoretical physics. Dogs, pizza, and love are proof that God exists. "Above all else, love one another."

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