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Bad Makeup Trump Claims He Won ’50 States’ in the 2020 Election: ‘Think Of It, We Won Every State!’

God, he sounds like an idiot.

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What if I told you that I walked all the way to work today just to write this article?

Never mind the fact that my walk to work involved about 15 steps from my bed to my bedroom door, then about 16 steps downstairs to the table where my trusty laptop sits. I walked all the way, dammit.

That’s what Donald Trump sounded like at the annual Florida Republican Summit in Kissimmee on Saturday. Trump went on and on about how well he did in the 2020 election, claiming he won all 50 states.

Well, of course he did. He’s talking about the primary. He was the incumbent. A sitting President hasn’t lost a single state primary in a reelection campaign since 1980. So yes, Donald. You did exactly what Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush, and Obama did right before you. Even the ones who didn’t win the presidency in their reelection effort — well, I guess that was just one guy — all won every state in their reelection primaries.

That would be pretty embarrassing if you didn’t.

So sure, Donnie, let’s do a little bragging! Did you go peepee in the potty this morning? Did you put the food on your fork before you jammed the fork in your face? Did you get your jacket on right side out?

He loves to make anything sound like it’s some amazing accomplishment, when it invariably ends up being something super easy and kind of dumb. Remember that time he “aced” a cognitive test that Koko the Gorilla got ever answer right on? That’s approximately where it falls when you win every state in the primary when you don’t have anyone seriously running against you.

I’m going to go out on a limb here though, and guess that when Joe Biden does the same thing this time around, Trump will suddenly figure it out and say “Well, there was nobody running against Biden!”

Now, that’s just a guess, mind you. I’m not sure I’m quite as smart as a gorilla, so I could be way off. Maybe the Democrats will run Tom Hanks at the very last second. Of course, if they did that, there would be a landslide in both the primary and the general.

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Andrew Simpson
meet the author

Andrew is a dark blue speck in deep red Central Washington, writing with the conviction of 18 years at the keyboard and too much politics to even stand. When not furiously stabbing the keys on breaking news stories, he writes poetry, prose, essays, haiku, lectures, stories for grief therapy, wedding ceremonies, detailed instructions on making doughnuts from canned biscuit dough (more sugar than cinnamon — duh), and equations to determine the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. A girlfriend, a dog, two cats, and two birds round out the equation, and in his spare time, Drewbear likes to imagine what it must be like to have spare time.

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