Politics - News Analysis

What’s That? Oh, Just Ted Cruz Casually Discussing Eric Swalwell’s Junk On Video

This is both disgusting and hilarious at the same time.

If you’ve still clung to your Twitter — I mean, X — account since the space guy turned it into a Nazi party, congratulations! You’re both persistent and brave. Because seriously, I don’t know how all the defaults get set there, but one day I had Twitter, with comedy, food, and the occasional lefty article, and the next I had X, where my entire feed was made up of Republican members of Congress, conspiracy theorists, Trump apologists, and Benny Johnson.

If you’re not sure who Benny Johnson is, that’s because he’s never said anything original.

But he does think he’s funny, and apparently, so does the X algorithm. His articles, comments, and videos are all over the social media platform, just sitting there being terrible.

The latest example of how side-splittingly funny Benny is involves talking to Ted Cruz (who is also convinced he should be in stand-up) about Representative Eric Swallwell’s penis. I’m not sure how the subject — ahem — came up, but Benny and Ted seemed pretty eager to discuss it.

The newest thing conservatives are freaking out about is the so-called “tuck-friendly” swimsuit. I can see the wheels turning in your head, and you’re right. You’ll find it in the drag queen section of Target because it’s for stifling the appearance of unwanted guests while wearing a one-piece at the beach.

I personally think that’s pretty cool. Somebody took a very specialized cross-section of humanity and decided to do something nice just for them. Republicans, however, consider that special rights. They don’t get swimsuits that make their nether regions more prominent, so why should the drag queens get anything?

By the way, Republicans: My friend’s uncle Billy once taught him a trick to do the thing you’d rather have in your swimsuit, and all you have to do is just stick a potato in there. Make sure it’s in the front though; I found that out the hard way.

Anyway, without further ado, here’s grossly incompetent and virulently anti-gay Senator Ted Cruz looking like he’s on his way to a high school dance with right-wing sleazebag and virulently anti-gay podcaster Benny Johnson, speculating on whether or not Eric Swalwell is packing enough downstairs to merit a tuck-friendly swimsuit:

meet the author

Andrew is a dark blue speck in deep red Central Washington, writing with the conviction of 18 years at the keyboard and too much politics to even stand. When not furiously stabbing the keys on breaking news stories, he writes poetry, prose, essays, haiku, lectures, stories for grief therapy, wedding ceremonies, detailed instructions on making doughnuts from canned biscuit dough (more sugar than cinnamon — duh), and equations to determine the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. A girlfriend, a dog, two cats, and two birds round out the equation, and in his spare time, Drewbear likes to imagine what it must be like to have spare time.


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