Politics - News Analysis

Trump is Back With a Brand New Gimmick and People Are Disgusted, ‘Absolutely Incredible Level of Grifting!’

No, there's no Trump and the Beanstalk.

Since Trump was elected back in 2016, he has come up with increasingly funny ways to try to make money from gullible supporters. He’s gone the standard routes, of course. Hats, books, what have you.

But it’s been getting hilarious with some of the more off the wall things he’s come up with. From $60 Bibles to $400 sneakers, Trump has left no stone unturned in his search for riches. He made a fortune with all the garbage he sold with his mugshot on it (including mugs).

All that doesn’t even get into his plethora of failed business ventures before he was in the Oval Office. He’s overseen failed casinos, a failed airline, a failed university, and a host of failed products that he tried to hawk with his name on them: Steaks, ties, vodka, tea, you name it.

Studying at the altar of the master, his wife even tried her hand at a line of Christmas ornaments.

But his newest product has to be the funniest of them all, and he just released a video pitching it to the public. Trump Virtual Trading Cards will be available soon, each at the low, low price of just $99 apiece.

For nothing.

No seriously, I wasn’t kidding about the virtual thing. There’s no actual cards you can hold in your hand or anything. These are NFTs, or non-fungible tokens. That means that the thing you buy for a hundred bucks is literally just a picture that exists only in digital form.

“This is your favorite president, Donald J. Trump, with some very exciting news,” the video begins. “By popular demand, I’m doing a new series of Trump Digital Trading Cards, you all know what they are.”

No, Donnie, we don’t. What the hell are you talking about? Oh, you’re going to tell us more? Okay, go on.

“Fifteen all new stunning digital trading cards, it’s really something. These cards show me dancing, and even me holding some Bitcoins.” As Trump regales you with the vast beauty of these wonders of the world, you’re left wondering about other things as well: Is he in an Iron Man costume? Does he think you can actually hold a Bitcoin?

But wait, there’s more! As the video goes on, you find out that there actually ARE some real, physical cards available — of which you may have one, if you buy 15 of the digital ones. That’s right, for just $1500, you can get a small piece of cardboard and 15 JPEGs!

And just to sweeten the pot a little, each of the real cards comes with a piece of the suit he wore during the debate he had against a sick Joe Biden. So scratch that offer above, for $1500, you can get 15 JPEGs, a piece of cardboard, and some sweaty fabric from an oversized, overpriced Italian jacket!

Wait, apparently people are calling it “the knockout suit,” because he knocked Biden out of the race with that debate. I’m not sure which people, they must be very important if they made it into Trump’s sales pitch.

And that’s just offer number one. If you manage to retain any friends after showing off your sweaty piece of history, you can brag to them that by buying only 60 MORE of the digital cards — spending $7500 total — you can go to dinner “with” him at Trump National in Jupiter, Florida.

That’s right, for a little over two months’ wages, you can get 375 WHOLE MEGABYTES of picture data to store on your Best Buy Lenovo computer with the CD burner in it, a piece of cardboard, some sweaty fabric, and a chance to see Trump as he dines 50 yards away from you near the people he actually likes and eat some meatloaf with carrots hidden in it (just like him!), and the envy of your remaining friends.

After you buy plane tickets to Florida, that is.

The demure former president doesn’t “know about that” when he says people call it the “knockout suit,” but he knows that people call him the “crypto president,” since you can buy these digital trading cards with nothing more than your email and a credit card or some cryptocurrency.

“You know, they call me the Crypto President, I don’t know if that’s true or not, but a lot of people are saying that.” Well, shoot. I guess he doesn’t know about that, either.

All I know is that my favorite president Donald J. Trump is the best clueless salesperson I’ve ever seen, and now I’m hungry for meatloaf.

Watch this hilarious video for yourself:

People on Twitter were disgusted:

meet the author

Andrew is a dark blue speck in deep red Central Washington, writing with the conviction of 18 years at the keyboard and too much politics to even stand. When not furiously stabbing the keys on breaking news stories, he writes poetry, prose, essays, haiku, lectures, stories for grief therapy, wedding ceremonies, detailed instructions on making doughnuts from canned biscuit dough (more sugar than cinnamon — duh), and equations to determine the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. A girlfriend, a dog, two cats, and two birds round out the equation, and in his spare time, Drewbear likes to imagine what it must be like to have spare time.

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