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Melania Plans to ‘Set the Record Straight’ With Her New Memoir — And Furious Americans Are NOT Buying It

It looks like a perfume commercial. And you can tell what it's selling just about as well as one.

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Okay, here’s the thing.  I’ve never seen anyone do a video trailer for a book. I’ve seen commercials on TV for an audiobook here and there. Those are always from established authors, though — Dean Koontz or James Patterson or Stephen King.

I’ve definitely never seen one that explains why someone wrote a memoir, before the book was even released.

But that’s where we are with Melania Trump. The memoir seems so far to be less about telling the story of a life that would be relatively unremarkable if she hadn’t married the Worst Living Person In The World, and more about making more money.

She’s made plenty of that, too, despite the fact that she’s mostly failed at everything she’s ever done. She couldn’t hack it as a model, even after posing nude. She could barely give away the jewelry she was hawking on QVC, the home of Diamonique and shattered dreams. People thought her caviar lotions were just weird (you didn’t even know she HAD Melania Trump-brand caviar lotions, and you think they’re weird).

She couldn’t even come close to her husband’s meager success shilling virtual art in the form of NFTs.

Even with all that failure, she’s still commanding a year’s upper-middle-class salary every time she does a speaking engagement. The people who are loyal to Melania are loyal no matter what.

That’s what makes this book trailer so weird. It was unnecessary. The only people who are going to buy her book are her fans and people who will use it in future history lessons.

But aside from that, the whole thing is being pitched as a sort of apology. Or at least, that’s what it seems like.

“As a private person who has often been the subject of public scrutiny and misrepresentation, I feel a responsibility to clarify the facts,” she says, to the tune of a swelling musical score that she almost definitely didn’t use without someone’s permission.

The reason it seems like a public apology, even though she doesn’t word it that way, is that she could have “clarified the facts” literally at any point in almost the last two decades. That’s how far you have to go back to even get to the year she decided to stay with her husband after finding out he was cheating on her with two different adult entertainment stars while she was pregnant with his child.

I’m sure it was because she really, truly loves him, as you can tell by the countless videos of her scowling at him and slapping his hand away when he tries to be publicly affectionate. It became really obvious that she was head over heels for Donald when she refused to move to Florida with him despite him being, you know, THE PRESIDENT.

But she lives there now, which means that when she does step out to give a speech, like, say, for the Log Cabin Republicans, she can just hold it at Mar-a-Lago and prove her loyalty to the Trumpire by, um, not even leaving the house.

Hey, she really doesn’t care, do u?

No, in all seriousness, she likely does care very much. And if former Trump insider (and director of communications) Anthony Scaramucci is right, what she would care for is to NOT see Trump be elected again. She wants to make more money, but I don’t think anybody seriously believes she wants to be First Lady again.

And The Mooch isn’t the only one who sees Melania as an Oval Office burnout. Stephanie Grisham says that Mel spent her days in a bathrobe scrapbooking, and Melania’s ex-bet friend Stephanie Winston-Wolkoff says the former First Lady “never wanted to be there in the first place.”

She certainly doesn’t need to clarify THAT. We could all see it.

It’s almost enough to make you feel bad for Melania. Almost. But again, the thing is… She could have been open and transparent the whole time. She wrote a book (that’s already failing like everything else she’s tried) to explain something that she got herself into. It was always unnecessary.

But now she wants to share her “perspective,” which sounds suspiciously like former Trump mouthpiece Kellyanne Conway’s “alternative facts.”

There’s no perspective to be gained by reading 256 overpriced pages about why she didn’t do anything about all the stuff she never had to do in the first place. If she didn’t want to be subject to scrutiny or misrepresentation, she could have just represented herself any time she wanted to.

She never did any of that.

Watch the trailer here:

People are absolutely disgusted with what Melania is trying to sell:

UPDATE:

Melania is now trying to sell her book with these weird videos that are basically campaigning for her husband. Take a look:

Andrew Simpson
meet the author

Andrew is a dark blue speck in deep red Central Washington, writing with the conviction of 18 years at the keyboard and too much politics to even stand. When not furiously stabbing the keys on breaking news stories, he writes poetry, prose, essays, haiku, lectures, stories for grief therapy, wedding ceremonies, detailed instructions on making doughnuts from canned biscuit dough (more sugar than cinnamon — duh), and equations to determine the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. A girlfriend, a dog, two cats, and two birds round out the equation, and in his spare time, Drewbear likes to imagine what it must be like to have spare time.

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