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2024 Election

People Shocked as Sweaty Trump Slurred and Seemed Drunk During Michigan Speech, ‘He Sounds Loaded!’

Seriously, what's wrong with this guy?

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Trump’s Michigan rally in a small suburb of Grand Rapids proved to be more than the former president could physically handle, apparently. Donald famously does not drink, but he left many people with the impression that he was drunk, leaving us to wonder whether it was plain exhaustion from being an old man on a tour of angry hate-fests or something else entirely.

What’s important to remember is that Trump can’t cancel a rally, no matter how he’s feeling. If he does, he looks weak.

That’s what’s going on inside his head, anyway. So even on days when the man shouldn’t even be outdoors, let alone speaking to a few thousand people inside a production facility, Trump has to soldier on.

That was a mistake yesterday.

Right out of the gate, Trump was a hot mess. There was no warm-up period, where he went from wired to weird. If there was any chemical assistance for this rally, he took it long enough beforehand for it to be in full effect. Sure, he always does that odd little hand-waving dance at the beginning, but when he started speaking, he slurred his words immediately.

This is just a few minutes into his speech:

Yikes. I would hate to witness what this man dreams about. Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether he actually believes what he’s saying, but BESIDES the slurred words, if any of that were true, America would be a war zone.

Instead, what the FBI data shows is that just in the last year, murder went down nearly 12 percent. Rape went down almost 10 percent, and  even assaults and robberies have decreased. Crime is down across the board.

I know Trump relies on fear to motivate his voters, but he HAS to be high on something to truly believe what he’s saying.

Almost immediately after, he launched into one of his favorite standby attacks on his opponent: Mispronouncing her first name, and pretending nobody knows her last name.

Okay, set aside the deliberate, irritating mispronunciation of “Kamala.” Never mind that there’s an entire line of t-shirts and hats that simply say “, LA” to show how it’s pronounced (comma, la).

At this point, Trump already sounds like that guy at the party who won’t shut up.

“Have you seen her?” He might as well be talking about the slump his favorite baseball team’s in. He’s seriously like the office party guy that’s had one too many and says idiotic things like “If that was me, I’d just HIT the ball. You hit it, and THEN you get to run around all the bases. How does Kuh-MAH-luh not know this stuff?”

Wait, WAIT, Trump seems to say suddenly. I guess he’s not quite done ranting about America and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Immigrants.

“We [uncomfortable pause]… have only one good thing about this, is they make our criminals look like very nice people.”

Okay, okay, we get it. That lady you hate (who has never been in charge of setting immigration policy in any capacity) might as well have committed the THOUSANDS of crimes (that didn’t happen) herself. Let’s get you back to bed, grandpa.

Seriously, though. I understand that in order to campaign effectively, Trump has to tie his opponent to everything bad, even if he has to make up the bad stuff he’s tying her to. But either he’s the world’s biggest cynic about the intelligence level of his own supporters, or they actually are stupid enough to believe that the lady who wasn’t in charge is directly responsible for a bunch of crimes that never occurred.

Alright, one more.

Here’s the thing. I’m almost going to forgive this one, just as far as him being able to speak clearly. It’s been obvious since way back in 2017 that Trump has dentures or some kind of other just bad, bad dentistry that’s happened in his mouth. His teeth barely stay in his face when he gets excited, and talking about his pal Elon gets him pretty worked up.

This is literally from 7 years ago:

In fact, I don’t even judge on that part. I wear dentures, and sometimes that paste just breaks down and those things float around in your mouth, especially if you’ve had a burger or something.

But the sing-song speech patterns don’t come from weird teeth. The man is chock full of something, it’s clear. He doesn’t sound drunk in that little blurb about Israel above. He’s just struggling with his teeth.

This is different.

First of all, nobody gets that excited while talking about a 53-year-old man who wears t-shirts you can see his rock-hard nipples through on purpose and uses software naming conventions on his children.

But secondly, listen to the man. He is wasted.

Andrew Simpson
meet the author

Andrew is a dark blue speck in deep red Central Washington, writing with the conviction of 18 years at the keyboard and too much politics to even stand. When not furiously stabbing the keys on breaking news stories, he writes poetry, prose, essays, haiku, lectures, stories for grief therapy, wedding ceremonies, detailed instructions on making doughnuts from canned biscuit dough (more sugar than cinnamon — duh), and equations to determine the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. A girlfriend, a dog, two cats, and two birds round out the equation, and in his spare time, Drewbear likes to imagine what it must be like to have spare time.

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