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People Think Trump May Be Having an Affair With Laura Loomer and Their Evidence Is Pretty Convincing (and Gross)

I don't know how to say it gently: I am sorry for putting this in your head.

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Almost without fail, I start my entries for you with an attempt at humor, or some scholarly introduction, or a premise of another angle on something you might have already seen somewhere else.

I’m afraid I have no such gift for you with this one, dear reader, so we’re going to just jump right in.

Rumors are now swirling that Donald Trump is having an affair with longtime conservative activist Laura Loomer. I know that’s a jarring sentence, but if you think about it, it actually makes a lot of sense.

Number one, it’s no secret that Donald loves the women. Sure, he’s a disgusting misogynist who insults and degrades them at every opportunity when he doesn’t need them for something. But it feels awfully good when girls touch you, and Trump is no different in that regard than anyone else.

Number two, we also know that Trump is not shy about doing whatever he wants. Whether or not his other affairs started as rumors, it’s well-documented history that he’s had them and in the end, been proud of himself.

After all, if he doesn’t cheat on Ivana, he can’t put “actress” on his list of conquests. Oh, and he wouldn’t have Tiffany Whatever-Her-Last-Name-Is-Now. If he doesn’t cheat on Marla Maples, he can’t tick “naked supermodel” off the bucket list and he still has no kids that actually look like him. And if he doesn’t cheat on Melania the first two times, he has no way to prove that every evangelical who voted for him is a hypocrite.

It just makes sense.

But number three is the one I might catch some flak for. I think that an affair right now, especially one with such a large age gap (I know 31-year-olds whose grandfathers aren’t yet as old as Trump), makes sense from a psychological standpoint. I think he has dementia, and I think doing what would, to others, seem like the worst possible choice right now probably gives him the relief to just go back to his old life.

Imagine it: He doesn’t have to pretend to know how to pronounce Nicaragua anymore. He can have all the KFC he wants with NO cameras pointed at him. He could golf constantly.

All he has to do is muster the, um, fortitude to give that fame-seeking shrew a few good weeks in the back of the plane.

Incidentally, it’s the plane — Trump Force One — that started the rumor. Well, okay, it’s mostly Loomer’s rumor (band name alert!), after she told CNN that following the “assassination attempt” Trump went through in Butler, PA earlier this year, she was the first person he wanted to see.

He scored her a spot on the plane, forcing actual employees and assorted people in suits to fly commercial.

“He wanted me on the plane with him the day after he almost got assassinated. I was with him. I flew with him to the (Republican National Convention), so it could show that I’m a trustworthy person, I have his back,” Loomer told the cable news network.

Oh, and this tweet doesn’t help:

As you can see, she is breasting resting herself quite cozily against his torso. The only way that could look MORE like a picture of two people having an affair is if she had her hand flat on his chest, as well.

Loomer has been angling for Trump’s attention for a good long time.

At the height of the period before Elon Musk took over the social media giant Twitter, when Trump’s account was suspended because he was, you know, a total jerk online, Loomer got her OWN account suspended with posts in support of him that were also abusive. So what did she do?

But you have to imagine that even if this isn’t true, neither party minds the talk very much. Loomer finally gets the clout she’s been desperately chasing for years, and Trump gets to perpetrate the myth that he’s still virile enough to enter such a relationship, uh, fully intact.

Just look at this tweet Loomer sent about Kamala Harris dating former talkshow host Montel Williams. It doesn’t get much worse than this.

Anyway, I’m going to go bleach my eyes out now. We’ll follow up on this story as it develops.

But take a look at what people on Twitter are saying:

Andrew Simpson
meet the author

Andrew is a dark blue speck in deep red Central Washington, writing with the conviction of 18 years at the keyboard and too much politics to even stand. When not furiously stabbing the keys on breaking news stories, he writes poetry, prose, essays, haiku, lectures, stories for grief therapy, wedding ceremonies, detailed instructions on making doughnuts from canned biscuit dough (more sugar than cinnamon — duh), and equations to determine the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. A girlfriend, a dog, two cats, and two birds round out the equation, and in his spare time, Drewbear likes to imagine what it must be like to have spare time.

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