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2024 Election

The Internet Has Some Spicy Theories About Melania’s Interesting Fashion Choice for Election Watching Today

She's always made strange fashion choices.

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It could be seen as a sign of optimism to some. Back in the mid-80s, there was a popular song by a one-hit wonder band called “Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades.”

Something tells me that Melania’s never heard that song, though. After all, she was 16 when it came out, and I don’t think that song made it as far as Slovenia. Heck, Slovenia hadn’t made it to Slovenia yet; it was still part of Yugoslavia.

But she did pick up on some American customs regardless, among them her fashion sense. American fashion was all the rage in former socialist states around that time, with Levi’s smuggling operations as far east as the USSR.

But I don’t think she picked up her predilection for sunglasses just yet. That would come as a side effect of becoming a model. In fact, all of her fashion choices, from the infamous “I Don’t Care Do U?” jacket to, well, no clothes at all have all seemed to spring from her modeling days.

Wherever the thing with shades is from, she picks some pretty weird times to wear them, and every time she does, rumors start flying. And when I say rumors, I of course mean that I’m simply reporting what people have speculated about on the internet for a long time now.

Today, on Election Day of all days, she’s decided to wear them. Inside. All day long.

No, but seriously, all day.

Inside, outside, just all day long. She wore her sunglasses when they got there in the morning, after lunch in the afternoon, and even while she dutifully stood by the husband she disagrees with on abortion rights as he snarked off to a reporter about how he voted on Florida’s abortion rights amendment.

So what are people saying? Well, if you haven’t already heard about the Melania body double theory, it goes kind of like this: The former First Lady actually hates Donald Trump and doesn’t want to be seen with him, so he uses “fake Melanias” at public events.

That’s one theory espoused by a few people today:

Others had a darker (and more depressing) theory about why a woman might wear dark glasses indoors all day:

We may never know why Mel donned the dark glasses all day. But me personally, even though it’s a little sad, I like this guy’s theory:

I’d be nervous about the same thing myself.

In fact, it makes me wonder if she wore the glasses out of guilt because she saw that campaign ad that was voiced by Julia Roberts. Maybe Melania did the right thing and decided to vote for the candidate who’s not out on bail for 34 felonies. You know, the one that didn’t cheat on her with two adult entertainment stars while she was pregnant with his kid.

Of course, if Trump found out she didn’t vote for him, he’d probably feel the same way about it as Jesse Watters was ranting about the other day, when he said that women who vote for a Democrat when their husband is a Republican are basically cheating on their spouses. And Jesse would know! He’s cheated on his own spouse, just like Trump has!

Maybe Melania is just sick of this whole thing and is imagining herself somewhere on a beach, like Donald does so often.

Andrew Simpson
meet the author

Andrew is a dark blue speck in deep red Central Washington, writing with the conviction of 18 years at the keyboard and too much politics to even stand. When not furiously stabbing the keys on breaking news stories, he writes poetry, prose, essays, haiku, lectures, stories for grief therapy, wedding ceremonies, detailed instructions on making doughnuts from canned biscuit dough (more sugar than cinnamon — duh), and equations to determine the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. A girlfriend, a dog, two cats, and two birds round out the equation, and in his spare time, Drewbear likes to imagine what it must be like to have spare time.

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