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Trump Displays Telltale Signs of a Recent Major Visit to the Doctor and the Internet Has Some Thoughts

This is worrisome.

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I’m not sure why we’ve seen a decrease in the number of news articles about the state of Donald Trump’s health. I mean, it’s not like I like reading them or anything, but why does it seem like the media only cared before he got elected?

Personally, I’d like to see an increase in those articles now that we’re facing another Trump presidency. It just seems like it’s even more important now than it was before. If Donald keels over, it’s JD Vance, and we can’t have that. We haven’t seen hide nor hair of him since the election, except to post a weird picture of him pretending to be Mrs. Trump at Thanksgiving.

I’m pretty sure people think Elon Musk was on the GOP ticket or something.

Anyway, there’s a new picture of Trump making the rounds, and frankly, he looks worse than ever before. Yes, we all get old. But old age doesn’t automatically come with IV bruising, and that’s what I’m seeing in this latest picture.

And the thing is, Trump could avoid all of the speculation. That’s what makes his health suspect all the time — the fact that he’s so secretive about it. If the man would release his medical records, he either wouldn’t be president right now, or we wouldn’t be talking about it. I mean, he could at LEAST make an effort while he’s lying about his weight to make it seem like a plausible number.

His vanity won’t allow it, though.

As a matter of fact, I believe it’s a sign (among many signs) that he’s mentally unwell, that he honestly thinks he’s fooling anyone with his obvious lunacy about his health, his hair, his weight, his makeup — all of it. The man would lie about the time of day just for the practice, and he really thinks that because his followers eat up every word, that everyone else is too.

Instead, every new picture sets the internet’s tongues a-wagging:

Hey, now. Easy on the old people stuff. I take a blood thinner twice a day, and I know my birthday’s coming up, but Donald Trump’s old enough to be my dad.

Who knows, though? Maybe it’s something as simple as the fact that he’s not getting enough to eat. Just look at what his personal chef thinks is worth $350 per plate for Thanksgiving — and yes, this picture is absolutely real:

Is there even PEPPER on that food? I swear to god, somewhere in that building is a giant bowl of potato salad with raisins in it.

The problem, people, is the fact that his fans, his followers, they all have the image in their heads of Trump from his trading card sets. Some time during his first presidency, some enterprising young troll on Twitter took a picture of him and photoshopped it into him as a superhero. Since then, they’ve made so many of those pictures that he has his team do up stuff that them themselves and print them onto those bizarre trading cards.

Seriously, Trump in a firefighter suit and a cowboy hat? It would take that man an HOUR to get a firefighter’s uniform on. And the only way he wears hats is if they have his brand on them.

America may never know the state of Donald Trump’s physical health. We do know he needs, at the very least, a check up from the neck up.

Andrew Simpson
meet the author

Andrew is a dark blue speck in deep red Central Washington, writing with the conviction of 18 years at the keyboard and too much politics to even stand. When not furiously stabbing the keys on breaking news stories, he writes poetry, prose, essays, haiku, lectures, stories for grief therapy, wedding ceremonies, detailed instructions on making doughnuts from canned biscuit dough (more sugar than cinnamon — duh), and equations to determine the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. A girlfriend, a dog, two cats, and two birds round out the equation, and in his spare time, Drewbear likes to imagine what it must be like to have spare time.

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