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Herschel Walker Vows to Protect Martians Living in the U.S. as Part of His ‘Family’ (NOT SATIRE)

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There are two things happening in Georgia that both terrify and gratify.

First, the good news. Georgia has set an all-time early voting record for a mid-term election, and everyone knows the political maxim that the more people who vote, the better it is for Democrats. Why else would Republicans spend half their time trying to make it harder to vote?

Second, the bad news. Against all odds and reason, Herschel Walker is now running even with Sen. Rev. Ralph Warnock, as fine a man as one can find. Meanwhile, Herschel cannot even count the number of children he’s fathered versus those he’s argued should be aborted. We have even had to pull back on mocking Walker because either the mental hygiene was so bad that he really couldn’t help it, or the CTE from getting hit in the head was so bad that he really couldn’t help it. That was back when we felt sorry for Walker. He was polling far behind Warnock.

Now that it’s even…

We believe that we should point out that Walker has made the protection of Martians part of his platform. No, we are not kidding. No, he was not trying to say protection of U.S. Marshalls. He meant people who lived on Mars but then immigrated to the United States. (“Screw your wall!”)

To be fair, the more Walker talks, the more we’re convinced that he’s not actually from this planet, so there’s that. And Herschel really needs to be careful about talking about who belongs to his family because that seems to be a moving target subject to change on any given day.

Meanwhile, we didn’t know that Walker was pro-open borders.

Twitter had a field day:

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[email protected], @JasonMiciak, with Nicole Hickman

Jason Miciak
meet the author

Jason Miciak is a political writer, features writer, author, and attorney. He is originally from Canada but grew up in the Pacific Northwest. He now enjoys life as a single dad raising a ridiculously-loved young girl on the beaches of the Gulf Coast. He is very much the dreamy mystic, a day without learning is a day not lived. He is passionate about his flower pots and studies philosophical science, religion, and non-mathematical principles of theoretical physics. Dogs, pizza, and love are proof that God exists. "Above all else, love one another."

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