Politics - News Analysis

Joe Biden Done Being Mister Nice Guy: Totally B*tch Slaps Ron DeSantis’s ‘Failure to Launch’

It’s your big day, man.

You’ve dreamed of being president ever since prep school when you knew you were going to Yale and, from there, Harvard Law, where presidents are created.

Your wife, who “looks” perfect in her role as a future FLOTUS, actually has your… nuts locked in a can, hidden in a storage shed, to be given back only if you are elected president. SHE will “win” and is your only advisor, and everyone knows it.

So now, as the governor of the nation’s third most populated state, you’re there. You’re so right there you can feel it. Yeah, yeah, that other guy is beating you up by 20 points, but he’s about to be indicted, and some horrid shit is coming. People will flock to “the next best thing,” and you’re convinced that’s you. (Even though you’ve bled support and made an ass out of yourself in your first ‘go-round in Iowa.)

You don’t do rural, never have. So, that’s okay. Eventually, the race goes down Southway, and that’s the plan, build ’em up.

Finally, announcement day. You’re going big. You’re going to prove that you’re hip to the kids, and you’ll use Twitter. (No one under 25 uses Twitter anymore, but that’s escaped DeSantis.)

It’s gonna be big… until the link to your announcement on Twitter doesn’t work. We can’t replicate it because now it works. But The Hill describes it as:

The tweet came as the conversation that was set to feature DeSantis discussing his brand new campaign with Twitter CEO Elon Musk was beset by audio issues.

And, you’ll truly regret who noticed?

Dark. F’ing. Brandon, baby:

See, and though you won’t get it right now, this is why you lose if up against Biden and probably Trump, Scott, Christie, one of them. Now, Biden is the one trending, not you.

l ain’t giving that can back, either…



Jason Miciak

@JasonMiciak, with Nicole Hickman

meet the author

Jason Miciak is a political writer, features writer, author, and attorney. He is originally from Canada but grew up in the Pacific Northwest. He now enjoys life as a single dad raising a ridiculously-loved young girl on the beaches of the Gulf Coast. He is very much the dreamy mystic, a day without learning is a day not lived. He is passionate about his flower pots and studies philosophical science, religion, and non-mathematical principles of theoretical physics. Dogs, pizza, and love are proof that God exists. "Above all else, love one another."


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