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Ted Cruz Humiliated After Wearing Pants That Were Way Too Tight and That Left NOTHING to the Imagination

I had to see it.

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Ted Cruz has never been one to concern himself with anyone’s opinion on how he looks. In fact, I’ll take that one further and say that Ted doesn’t give a crap what image he’s projecting.

Which will he be today? Will he be Chubby Ted, the guy on the plane whose paunch makes you wonder how he tied his shoes? Will it be Experimental Beard Ted, where his face appears to have lost a battle with a weed whacker?

How about Manly Ted, where he proudly blows the crap out of a piece of paper with an AR-15, but not before wrapping pieces of bacon around the barrel to cook it as he fires?

As far as I’m concerned, there are two possibilities: Either Ted Cruz doesn’t own a mirror, or his house is on fire every time he leaves.

I guess, though, that maybe there’s a third option. Maybe he actually does care how he looks, and someone told him he looks good like that. Who knows, maybe his wife Heidi is insane or partially vision impaired.

Regardless, the latest “look” on Senator Ted “Teddy Bear” Cruz is Club Ted. And I know what you’re thinking — there’s not a bouncer in America who lets this creepshow behind the red rope. But I think maybe he thinks he’s got it figured out.

Tight. Pants.

Okay, so you and I both know that there’s a fine line with tight pants, especially on a guy. There’s a lot happening inside a dude’s pants that is not suitable for public consumption.

But for a middle-aged guy so desperate to be cool, to fit in, that he once stood there and grimaced as Donald Trump all but called him a cuckold to his face and said his wife was ugly, I’m sure that in trying out his tight pants theory, he was ready to jump in with both feet.

Or like, squeeze in one testicle at a time.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a gen-yoo-wine wardrobe malfunction. When she first brought this to my attention, my publisher called this particular mishap by its commonly-known name. But, and I’m springing this on her (so pretend you hadn’t heard it before), there are male and female versions of this.

The female version is the “camel toe.” That is what my publisher called it, and I can’t blame her, because the moniker has been around for a long time.

But what Ted Cruz is sporting here is the male version, the much more unfortunately named “moose knuckle.”

So without further ado, I present the latest in Ted Cruzery, Club Ted Featuring The Moose Knuckle You Can’t Unsee:

Fortunately, the tweet cuts off the bottom half…so here is what you’re missing:

This, I have learned, is a “moose knuckle”, the male equivalent of a camel toe. GAG.

And as a side note, there’s nothing wrong with a dad bod. But Cruz is wearing a jacket that is way too tight. If that button pops, it’s taking out an eye. Plus, that jacket was probably really expensive. But it’s too small, and therefore looks cheap. I love that his wife Heidi doesn’t tell him that he looks like a fool. That’s what happens when you let Trump call your wife ugly, and then kiss his ass for eight years.

People on social media had a field day:

Andrew Simpson
meet the author

Andrew is a dark blue speck in deep red Central Washington, writing with the conviction of 18 years at the keyboard and too much politics to even stand. When not furiously stabbing the keys on breaking news stories, he writes poetry, prose, essays, haiku, lectures, stories for grief therapy, wedding ceremonies, detailed instructions on making doughnuts from canned biscuit dough (more sugar than cinnamon — duh), and equations to determine the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. A girlfriend, a dog, two cats, and two birds round out the equation, and in his spare time, Drewbear likes to imagine what it must be like to have spare time.

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