Fresh off her husband’s dubious election victory, Melania Trump has already seized back the role of First Lady with gusto. She’s begun staffing an office she barely used the first time around, she’s surrounding herself with loyalists, and once again, she’s ready to get her grift on.

It has to be hard, being such a distraction for the Very Stable Genius™ all the time. She’s already been straight-up used by Vladimir Putin to remind Donald that he’s Russia’s little lapdog.

So the former model is doing what she does best in the meantime: She’s selling pictures of herself.

Now, the photos aren’t nudes this time around. That probably wouldn’t go over well, no matter how much the MAGA crowd still drools over her. But you might think that if she’s going to sell an “exclusive collection” of 16 JPEGS that will be downloaded by every Proud Boy on the internet before Donald’s even inaugurated, she might try and make it interesting.

Especially at 12 bucks a picture.

Unfortunately, the best that Melania could come up with for the next big thing she’d sell was pictures of her doing… stuff. That’s right, for just $195, you can own a one-of-a-kind assortment of photos of a lady who squints out loud in a Slovenian accent looking like an actual person.

There’s Office Melania, where she’s, uh, in her office. There’s Mar-a-Lago Melania, where, you know, she’s at home. There’s Manhattan Melania at her OTHER house. She even included Once-Every-Few-Months Melania that shows her on the campaign trail!

It’s sounds like I’m kidding because the whole thing seems a little like a joke. She’s titled the collection “On the Move,” and the promo black and white photo for the set depicts her holding a pair of sunglasses in front of a plane. She must be obsessed with being on planes. That was the teaser photo for the “exclusive” pictures she had in the collector’s edition of her memoir — a picture of a plane that she took from the window of a plane.

The photo collection, captured by artist Régine Mahaux, is intended to showcase her “dynamic life.”

A statement from her office summed up the set: “On the Move is an exclusive collection of 16 digital images [of Melania] in various settings — from her office, on the campaign trail, and at her home.”

In her own statement the incoming FLOTUS could barely contain her excitement. “I am pleased to share my journey — through photographs — with fans and collectors,” she said.

It’s that part that’s kind of weird to me. Are there people who collect Melania memorabilia? I mean, there must be some people buying this stuff, because she’s sold so many different things. Christmas ornaments, jewelry, NFTs, digital watercolors, she’s done it all.

But selling a set of pictures that “offer a poignant glimpse into her fast-moving life” (according to her website) is a step beyond just trying to find something that people will give her money for. And I think it speaks to a mentality that she shares with her husband. Hear me out.

I think Donald Trump, and if nothing more than by rubbing off on her, Melania, are both obsessed with the idea of nobility. You know who has “collector’s edition” photo sets? Royalty from England. Celebrated actresses. Legendary models. Icons.

For his part, Donald made it obvious years ago, when he took on an alter ego, John Barron — get it? like BARON? — to call into news outlets and say nice things about his boss, Donald Trump. John is Donald’s middle name, and he loved the idea of being a baron of something. Literally everyone knew right away that it was him calling. He has a very distinctive voice, and no discernible talent, so he couldn’t disguise it.

He liked that whole “baron” thing so much that he named his SON Barron. That’s not a family name or anything. There’s never been a “Barron Trump” before, or even a “John Barron Trump” or a “Donald Barron Trump.” Not an uncle or a grandfather or a second cousin twice removed has ever been named “Frederick Barron Trump.”

There’s never even been that name as a title before. No “Baron von Trump” exists in a single history book.

And while I fully respect the idea of a man making his wife feel like a queen, we usually think of that in terms of getting her a spa day, or maybe buying her a luxury car. We most definitely do not consider it in terms of turning a former nude model into someone who thinks she’s the reincarnation of Princess Diana.

And really, there’s a coffee table book of pictures worth buying. Princess Di was not just famous for being famous. She was celebrated around the world for using her fame to do good work: She was an AIDS activist, a children’s nurse, and an advocate for the global removal of landmines.

Can you see Melania trying to explain the electromagnetic process of mine removal?

I figure the next photo set of Melania will probably show her real life. There will be Not Now Melania, slapping her husband’s hand away and holding a bottle of ibuprofen; I Wanted RED Melania, tearing flowers out of the White House Rose Garden; maybe even Thank You For Your Patronage Melania, which depicts FLOTUS accepting a check for a speaking engagement no one could understand a word of.

I guess what I’m saying is, get a job, grifter. We already pay you a salary. Do something with it besides pose.