This is the latest in an ongoing series summarizing and saying:

Goodbye, Melania, you certainly won’t be missed. None of the Trump administration players will be missed, but there’s a special satisfaction in getting you out the door, watching the queen leave the white castle.

Mel, normally we wouldn’t write anything about a First Lady. It isn’t a job that the women normally sought, at least early on, certainly when agreeing to marry the man (or in the future, woman) who went on to be President. You had no reason to suspect that you would ever be occupying the White House. We doubt you would’ve complained, though.

A First Lady or First Gentleman’s job, to the extent there’s a written definition, is to be the one that reaches out to the American people as an emissary bringing the White House to the people. All presidents are citizens first, but a First Lady is supposed to embody that citizen, grab it, cherish it, nurture it, and appear to enjoy the privilege – because it is a privilege. No White House job is easy, but if one can just be oneself, this particular job most certainly isn’t hard. Only you made it hard. Perhaps because you’d become used to a life of privilege, but certainly not one that came with some accountability. Accountability just wasn’t your thing, was it, Mel? Nor your husband’s.

Let’s go back a bit – not too far – to your early days in the United States. We aren’t going to concentrate on how you became an American. Let’s put it this way. We won’t blame you because there’s not a chance in hell you could pull it off on your own and the entire matter was surely directed by the one who was going to pay for it. You played a role, but so would 75% of the people on Earth. Don’t sigh in relief because you can bet that bare ass we’re coming back to immigration and you’re role in it further below.

Speaking of bare asses, you are extremely sensitive about your past and what you did to survive. Mel? Let me let you in on a secret. We couldn’t care less. Moreover, if you’d have handled it differently later in life, we might admire what you did. You really care about whether anyone says you were an escort. We have no idea if you were or weren’t and as we’ve said before, we won’t hold that against a scared immigrant with very little money, just fighting to survive. To the extent we feel any scorn at all, we save it for the men that paid to be best for one night. We get it, you would do damn near anything that didn’t involve hurting someone else, if it helped you survive.

Again, we would even admire it if you just damn well owned up to it and said two sentences such as. “What I did was a private choice. I was an immigrant who was lied to and abused. I needed money and thus I fought for myself, there was almost nothing else I could do.” Damn, Mel, that would almost bring a tear to our eye.

Hold your head high instead of your fist out, the work was more honest than anything Donald ever did. At least your clients wanted to get focked. Moreover, it was your husband who went on to become Commander in Chief of the Johns. We cannot possibly imagine how much he’s paid for those wild first few years. So it all came out in the wash, so to speak, or we hope so, anyway.

Moving on, it is 2012, you’re married and rich now. Your husband was a Democrat until 2008. Curious. And then your husband decides to go full birther. You were a real immigrant but Obama was not. He was an American. Somehow, you escaped criticism about your birthplace even as you were being the biggest hypocrite around and even though your English gave you away. You were white, President Obama was black. He was editor of Harvard law, which requires a mastery of English. It didn’t matter to you or your type. You conveniently forgot that you actually are an immigrant to falsely accuse him of being an illegitimate president.

Face it, Mel. You should have kept your mouth shut, not because you are a woman and women should simply stand by their man, pffft, fck that. You should have kept your mouth shut because no one likes a hypocrite and people especially can’t stand hearing from people that don’t know what they’re talking about, and you’ve proven to have very limited range, Mel.

Your daily reminder that Melania Trump is a racist birther:

pic.twitter.com/knUPRdQOAa

— PragmaticObotsUnite (@PragObots) August 17, 2020

You’re campaigning now.

Rumor has it that you were the one who encouraged Donald to run, saying he would win. We sorta doubt the story, since it always comes from Trump and we doubt all his stories. But if it was your idea, there will be an especially humid place in temporary hell for you. (We don’t really believe in hell, but if it exists we cannot believe it’s for eternity, that’s ridiculous, and anyone who set up such a situation wouldn’t be that ridiculous, we’re fairly certain … we hope, for your sake.) If you suggested it then it’s because you don’t have the first clue what goes into a day’s work for a real president, what they’re expected to know and the judgment they’re expected execute. It’s not a damn TV show, Mel.

You didn’t campaign a lot. Thankfully. You left that to Trump’s other wives, Ivanka and Hope. We are pretty sure that touring Iowa and New Hampshire wasn’t exactly your thing. You prefer mid-town Manhattan, which, for a girl that had to do it all to make it in America, sounds pretty entitled Melania, though we’re way past the point at which you began to feel entitled – and we’re going to revisit that subject, too.

There wasn’t a lot you could do to help anyway. You invariably raised questions wherever you went, questions like “How the fck did she become a citizen.” Normally those questions wouldn’t be all that pertinent, Mel, but when your husband’s entire platform consisted almost exclusively of a program to build a wall to keep those southern brown people out and shut down immigration from most of the Middle East (but not Suadi Arabia, home to most of the 9-11 hijackers and home to people that buy a lot of weapons and influence with cash), people damn well are going to rightfully ask questions about the immigrant wife and “anchor baby.” (Trump’s word, not ours). Other than being white and hot, we’re at a loss to explain what made you different. Puzzling.

It is almost like it was broken down by race. And all this is especially meaningful for those of us who write these columns who happen to be immigrants, too – white ones, from Canada, and even though no one seemed to care, we never forgot. Why did you?

Now you’re really rolling. Your husband was going to win the RNC nomination and have a big shot at the presidency. You stood by as he noted your beauty as opposed to Ted Cruz’s wife’s homeliness. (She’s not homely and it wouldn’t matter if she was, she was a mother and a wife). You were in the perfect spot to say, “She’s beautiful and looks should play no role.”

What was Trump going to do? Chew your ass out? You could have stared him down, filed a nail, took a sip of chardonnay and picked up the phone to ask to speak to some reporters. You would have him groveling.

Let’s talk about the RNC convention and the plagiarized speech. Did you do that? That sounds like something a novice like you would do, figuring no one would notice and we know you didn’t allow professionals to help … much. Yet again, Melania, you’re an amateur dragged into this. You could have apologized sincerely and said, something like “I just wanted to say what many wives say in such a spot and didn’t recognize how wrong it was. I admired Michelle Obama.”

Remember when Melania plagiarized Michelle Obama during her 2016 RNC speech? pic.twitter.com/svnDZtgKwS

— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) December 5, 2019

Once again, you could have damn near had our sympathy. Yet again, you not only didn’t apologize, you barely recognized the faux pas and to the extent you did, you started rumors that “the little bit you did” was due to speechwriters trying to take you down, they must have screwed you over. Damn, Melania. That’s absurd. Why is it that everything bad that happens to you is someone else’s fault? Yes, yes, we know, you’re a Trump. What else are you gonna do, right?

The pussy grabbing thing.

Now that was one time you needed to speak for women everywhere. You could have said, “There is no excuse for sexual assault or even bragging about it. I am highly disappointed and he’s going to have a lot of explaining to do. If I didn’t believe that he had so much to offer the country, there might be some drastic things done.”

Shit, Melania, you’d be a hero to women everywhere. Instead, you did the opposite. We later read that you were furious behind the scenes but in front of the camera? “Locker room talk.” Excuse us but since you purportedly speak French, fck you. This was serious. You’ve never been in a locker room, we have – hockey, maybe the worst. No one “talks” about raping or assaulting women. We lie about women throwing themselves at us half assaulting us because we’re just that cool and good looking. A guy talking about just grabbing sounds fcking creepy and would get dressed down. Not only that, he’d sound so desperate he couldn’t do anything with a willing woman. Again, we know, we’ve been there.

But worse than the fact that you’ve never been in a locker room is that you covered for him outside while chewing on his ass inside. Of course, it wasn’t as big a deal, there was every reason to believe he’d never win the presidency at that point.

The same pattern followed once he became president and Stormy came on the scene. You didn’t say a thing to the public, not that we recall. We get it. It’s humiliating. But still, he lied about it. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Victory: Why did you cry on victory night? They weren’t tears of joy. This wasn’t ever supposed to happen, right, Mel? Now the pressure would fall on you, except you’d just assume live a pampered, anonymous, obligation-free life on 5th Avenue. We know, that’s peak Melania. God that’s awful.

But it got worse. You initially refused to live in the White House. You used Barron and school as a cover story. Mel, you knew he was coming to DC eventually, so it only made sense to start early. You snarled mid-town traffic and cost the Secret Service a shitload, they had to rent rooms in Trump Tower, double dippin’ with the campaign. Do you double dip a lot? That’s personal, never mind.

But then we heard that you also held a gun to Trump’s head to rewrite what had to be the shittiest prenup in history, given you were a girl from nowhere, having nowhere to go, sure to be gone the moment you got arm fat. You saw your chance, the nation expected you to be in the White House, Trump expected you to be in the White House. He looked like a fcking dork. You held out and you got your “good prenup.” But damn that’s dumb as a duck fight because you could’ve gone down there and accomplished the same thing. You don’t think reporters would show up if you walked into the press room? You could have walked into the White House and said, “Donald, re-do the prenup, or I have some things to share about what you’ve done on your way to the top, a lot of it isn’t all that good, Donald. Why did everyone around the tower have Russian accents? Why did they insist upon you running? I will ask reporters.”

That would work.

But you had another reason. You wanted the bathroom Michelle used remodeled. Jesus Christ as Chief of Staff that’s one fcking entitled and embarrassing demand, Melania. Just about every American but you would consider living in the White House the highest honor even if they slept in the basement closet. Not you. It had to be made to your specs. Again, as we’ve said before, that’s entitled at best, racist at absolute worst. Second drinking fountains, Melania?

You had to know this was coming, right? That fcking coat. Going to see newly orphaned immigrant children and for some reason only then did you decide that was the time to pull out that particular coat. Mel, no one said you had to go down there. But you did and we suspect it was precisely because you wanted that message out to the MAGAs. “I’m one of you.”

Yeah, after it caused a massive fuss and you got properly hammered such that you’d be remembered for it your entire life, you chose the family villain to blame it upon. Yes, you were speaking to the media, who always comment on your fashion choices. Shit, Melania, that’s the best lie you could come up with? And Mel, your fashion sense did suck, but only because not every event is a runway in Milan, Mel. As we’ve said before, if you want to be accepted by Americans and relate to Americans, and get a break from the media? Then every once in a while look like an American! Wear a sweater from Eddie Bauer (they’re on Amazon). Wear some jeans from the Gap, and some sneakers from Nike, and go visit some kids or take a hike.

See what happens. You become relatable. Smile, it will triple it. But you just couldn’t do it. Because deep down, you always wanted to be that high-end model, and this was your chance. You weren’t going to miss one chance. Damn, Mel, you could’ve worn a Prada sweater and it’d be better.

The pith helmet had that look you wanted, so jungle, so “white man’s burden,” so “colonial.” That’s Mel, woman of the people. We realize we’re spending a lot of time on what you wore and normally that would be the last of our concerns but it was always your first concern. Why not us? Name an American that wears 5 inch (at least) stilettos while planting a tree and we’ll show you someone as vain and clueless as you.

We have to do one last real topic before we jam out of here because this is getting book length and we’re sure there will be more than enough books written about you, all with the same theme, except the fawning ones written by MAGA heads

We need to address Be Best. Our site is on record over and over again saying it was the perfect cause at the perfect time. You could have really done something with it had you been able to even fake caring about something besides yourself for twenty minutes. Cyberbullying is a problem that every parent worries about. The obvious trouble was – beyond the fact you didn’t seem to really care – was that your husband was the nation’s serial offender, and someone who obliterated your entire message because so many MAGA kids believed Trump is near-god. So if their dear leader tweets such shit, then obviously it’s their job to do the same.

You might say, “Well, I can’t control him”

Oh, yes you could, Mel. Here is all it would take. Three times – just three! – perhaps on a trip to … wherever the hell you went on trips by yourself, definitely New York, just someplace out of the White House, and on three occasions saying “I wish my husband would calm down with Twitter, it sets a bad example.” Three times. And when he goes in a rage when you get home, all you need say, in a calm voice, is nothing more than “Perhaps next time I might say some of the other things I wish you would stop doing, or would have never done in the first place.” Or even just, “Where’s that Maggie Haberman phone number again? I’ve been meaning to call her. I wanted to talk about your friends who don’t speak English well, either.”

Bang. It would never come up again. But that’s just not you, right, Mel? Your job is to luxuriate, spend money, act like you give a fck about something (and we do mean act), and look good. We say this despite the fact that you were far more beautiful prior to placing yourself under the care of America’s finest Fellows of the American College of Plastic Surgeons.

But we’re getting awfully long here, Mel, and the fact is, you simply don’t deserve much more attention. We have set out more than enough above for everyone to get a feel for who you are and were and there’s a constant theme running throughout.

We just can’t get around the fact that the scared young woman in New York made it, and for whatever reason, believed you had earned it all, down to every $800 pair of shoes and $12,000 handbag, outfits more expensive than a school classroom, money that could have helped so many kids – and parents – doing so much good. You flaunted it, happily. The girl that went from nude pics (no judgment) to the Queen of the Big White Castle (all the judgment in the world). Cinderella without gratitude or a big heart.

It is fairly obvious that at every point, whenever there was some criticism, you would first blame that damned media – you are a Trump, after all – and to the extent you had to blame anything close to home, you’d blame the person closest to home. Your husband. What were you to do? He was powerful, wealthy, and erratic. Violence wasn’t out of the question.

True. And that does make it hard. But you held the Trump card all along the way. The man obsessed with NDAs signed by everyone around him had one vulnerable spot. You, and your ability to speak. Your chance to let everyone know what was going on behind the curtain. Yeah, yeah, part of your prenup surely included something about keeping that pretty mouth shut, and exactly none of it would have been enforceable if you were in a spot where you were in fear. And that scared girl in New York likely never overcame all her fear.

It might all go away as fast as it came. Or that was likely what you thought. And if you had threatened to turn the truth loose, it would surely cost him money and that would’ve cost you money. You were never going to threaten the money. Money ushered you into the high society stratosphere you enjoyed so much and it would be money – not integrity – that would keep you there.

When it came time to give just a bit, a tiny bit of work for the American people, you said “No, fock Christmas” and turned on one of the few friends you had. One sentence, symbolizing so much more. The things you did? It wasn’t work, it was a commercial. Melania, queen of it all – and so pretty. But, Melania, it didn’t take an insiders’ view to see that an ugly person lurked just inside that pretty exterior. Sometimes, you even wore it on the outside, “You didn’t care,” you said, and then asked, “Do ‘u?'”

Yes, Melania, yes we did, and that was precisely your problem.

Goodbye to all that, Mel. And goodbye to you. You should be ashamed and won’t be missed.

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Over the next month, we are doing a series, Goodbye to All That, in which we will say goodbye to each member of the Trump administration. We will do at least two a week and always one on the weekend. 

Part One of our series – Goodbye Kayleigh McEnany — You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself and You Will Not Be Missed

Part Two of our series – Goodbye Ivanka Trump — You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself and You Will Not Be Missed

Part Three of our series – Goodbye Mike Pence — You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself and You Will Not Be Missed

Part Four of our series – Goodbye Bill Barr — You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself and You Will Not Be Missed

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Peace, y’all
Jason
[email protected] and on Twitter @JasonMiciak