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Mike Pence Told a G-Rated Sex Joke at the Debate and Everyone Is Just Cringing

I think a lot of people already forgot he existed.

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Mike Pence might as well have brought a towel to the latest Republican debate. That way, at least he could have been funny by “throwing it in,” so to speak. He’s polling around 6 percent, but that’s the least of his worries.

The real tough spot for Pence is that he’s an unlikeable dork.

The rest of the candidate crowd at least has something memorable going for them. Nikki Haley is beautiful and a massive hypocrite. Tim Scott is a black Republican and a massive hypocrite. Ron DeSantis is a Disney villain and a MASSIVE hypocrite. Vivek Ramaswamy is insane.

There were others, of course — Chris Christie is still trying to be relevant and Doug Burgum is from North Dakota, a state literally no one is from.

But Mike Pence, who should be the natural successor to Trump if Trump himself doesn’t win, is flapping around like a fish out of water.

Now, it could be the aforementioned unlikeability. But it’s more likely that it’s because, well, he’s just not very smart. At one point during the debate, Pence promised to repeal the Green New Deal, a thing he apparently thinks is a thing but is not actually a thing.

Now, Pence starts at a disadvantage anyway. He’s disliked by Democrats and centrists because he’s a hard-liner on social issues (he used to host an evangelical radio show). And the right-wingers are still mad they didn’t get to hang him on January 6, 2021.

So where did Pence turn last night? He went straight to comedy. Apparently the comic effect of his campaign ad that shows him “pumping gas” into a red pickup without ever pushing the octane button wasn’t quite enough, so he took a shot at a little stand-up:

“My wife isn’t a member of the teachers union, but I’ve got to admit I’ve been sleeping with a teacher for 38 years. Full disclosure.”

I wish you could hear this word right now, so imagine it in your head: GROAN.

Many, in fact, wondered whether Mother had signed off on that bit of comedy gold, or whether he was risking a stern talking-to when he got home.

All jokes aside, however, Pence was his normal Frankenservative self. Asked about what he might do to curb violence against transgender people, Pence said he would ban gender-affirming surgery. Man, Republicans hate big government so much they want to outlaw ANOTHER medical procedure.

Bizarrely, he capped off his awkward night by answering a question about Obamacare by vowing to expedite the death penalty for mass shooters (most of whom die in their attacks by their own hand).

Don’t get me wrong — this article is to keep you up to speed on Mike Pence, not to warn you he ever might be President. He unquestionably will not. But it’s fun (?) to watch him try.

But most of all, people on Twitter had a field day with his little joke about sleeping with mother:

Andrew Simpson
meet the author

Andrew is a dark blue speck in deep red Central Washington, writing with the conviction of 18 years at the keyboard and too much politics to even stand. When not furiously stabbing the keys on breaking news stories, he writes poetry, prose, essays, haiku, lectures, stories for grief therapy, wedding ceremonies, detailed instructions on making doughnuts from canned biscuit dough (more sugar than cinnamon — duh), and equations to determine the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. A girlfriend, a dog, two cats, and two birds round out the equation, and in his spare time, Drewbear likes to imagine what it must be like to have spare time.

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