*This article is part of an ongoing series, links at the bottom to the rest of the series.

Goodbye Don Jr., you will not be missed.

Look, Junior, before we get too deep into this, we want you to know upfront, as something to think about as you read through, that unlike the others, you had options, including the easiest of all. Keep your head down and your ass out of all this. You could have been a half-hero, the only Trump to show a sliver of humility if, during the beginning of the administration, you had said, “I am leaving the politics to dad and Ivanka. Maybe my time will come someday. But for now, we have a big business that my father wants to continue without missing a beat and I am the best one to ensure that happens.” That was the point to leave for Montana.

Had you done so, you might be the only one with a bit of pride as this explodes. You might be called upon to be an obvious state’s witness. You could have almost ensured you remained free and with enough money to never have to really work. You might also still be living with your beautiful wife and five children, you stupp … and you’d certainly have been spared the beatdown you’re about to get.

We are going to start off easy and with the obvious. We want to prove that we’re human with some perspective and this isn’t some insult machine set-up to get clicks.

You never stood a chance, not on your own, at least. No one is going to feel all that sorry for you, Junior, so don’t wipe your eyes. There are kids out there in the world that have fathers that emotionally and physically abuse them, except they then go to bed at night sharing a room with three siblings. They have to worry about whether the lights or cable are going to get shut off while dreaming about having their own new clothes. Consider that while we get through this short part.

You never stood a chance, at least on your own. What boy would stand any chance without a father to hug them, a father who never says, “I’m so proud of you”, never goes to one of your games and cheers you on, or takes you to some big games, just you and dad, as a nine-year-old kid? Maybe go to a movie, or even just a special “boys only” lunch. You never had that and if there’s one thing of which you can be certain in all this, it shows. There is a story told by a college dormmate. He said your dad picked you up to go to a Yankees game (you were almost fully grown, an adult), you opened the door in a Yankees jersey. Trump slapped you hard enough, in front of your friends, to knock you down, and told you to put on a suit. No wonder everyone says you were a drunk in college. We can even understand.

You had what we can all agree is the world’s worst father and, please trust us, it shows. You have spent your adult life trying to make up for that childhood and it’s not working. It would all be so tragic if you didn’t have the money and self-awareness to get yourself into some serious counseling and surround yourself with seriously good people. Some of this is on you because we’re sure you’ve heard this before. But we suspect counseling is for p**sies, right, Junior? Your dad would never forgive you.

Junior, after growing up the way you did, why couldn’t you have once, just once, seen in Barron what you went through and once, just once, played the father-figure, cool uncle, and taken that poor kid on a four-day fishing trip or even just camping and just asked, “How are you doing?” It would have helped you as much as Barron and if there’s one theme in your life it’s the refusal to help yourself, given the chance. Or help others.

Now, let’s look at what resulted from your choice to model that horrific father rather than help yourself, or others.

Your life pre-politics is hardly worth mention with one notable exception. You explored the possibility of joining the military. Good for you and we mean that. Unlike your father, you did understand that working for your country in service is honorable (It sure is). You dropped the idea when told that you’d be written out of the will. Your dad doesn’t fck around with threats like that and unlike 90% of the population, he’d have probably followed through. You chose the money.

Many would. But Junior? Many would not. Many people have foresworn an inheritance and grown-up with the self-satisfaction that they are free. You would have learned skills in the military that would follow you around for life. You would never be hungry, homeless, or even uncomfortable. You would learn discipline, honor, all that. You would likely also have a lot of real friends. Real friends are a great tradeoff for money and the world’s worst father. You would likely have come back and, who knows? There’s a chance he would respect you more after it was done. Unlike your sister, you’d have been your own man, tougher than her, too.

Alright, all that being said, now we have to talk about your political life because you spent your entire life preparing to be the dickhead you were and are. Remember, as we go through all this, therapy awaited, none of this had to happen. It works for those who want it to work. No more excuses you self-absorbed, pathetic, dumbass.

My god, in the run-up to the election, as a trusted family member, you were literally a non-entity. Maybe worse. Trump believed you were an embarrassment and kept you on the periphery if not on the outside. You were a running joke, just without the material we have now. Perhaps you notice now as you remember fondly back to those times, you were not hosting mini-rallies on your own back then. You had nothing to offer and you best keep that in mind as we get into the part when you did become useful and what you had to do to get there.

As a total aside, can we ask you a question? Why do you kill animals? We know that your dad doesn’t approve and that’s a little weird since just about everything you do is to please your dad. We know he doesn’t like it because we read he chewed your ass out – maybe the first time we 100% agree with him, and even said you had Eric doing it, too. Much more importantly, we don’t like it.

We have absolutely no problem with someone who hunts as a sportsman here. None. So long as one enjoys the meat, it is as ethical as those who eat turkey or prime rib. There is a reason they are called “sportsmen,” or women. One follows the rules to help manage the herd. One has to follow the rules. It’s not sporty to hunt out of season or shoot a doe in a bucks-only area. But it is especially unsporty to pay thousands of dollars to fly halfway across the world, purchase a permit costing more than a school (which is the reason many countries offer them) to have a guide drive you to a site where the animals are inevitably found and put a bullet in them from 340 yards away, all so you can put the head on a wall and maybe the locals eat it. This is especially true with respect to a species that needs protection more than management. The way you do it happens to be a kill and you love it, which is kind of gross and telling.

Moving on, at some point in your father’s administration, you hit your stride. It might have been the beard, it might have been the nauseating repetition that you were a man of the people, a guy that flies coach! At least for one picture. You learned a new language, MAGA. You spoke MAGA far better than your old man and it really mattered. But maybe the most important element was taming that wild thing from Fox, Kimberly Guilfoyle. Kimberly enjoys telling complete strangers at conferences about her wild sex-life. One has a tough time finding such a person outside 16-23-year-old boys. But you did, proudly – even though it’s kinda humiliating.

We really have to talk about this, Junior, and it might be hard.  You were married. Now, not all marriages can be saved, some need to end. But when they die because the husband jumps to the Fox babe that talks about her sex life, it is selfish and tasteless. You did it by divorcing the mother of your five children for said babe, and that’s a tragedy. You just ensured that you – man of the people – “raised” your kids with about as much a chance as you had, the ones with the absent father. “Why did dad leave us?” they will ask mom. A question that can’t be answered until they reach about 17 years old.

The MAGA men would only forgive you for such a move. Had it happened with a congregant in some conservative Baptist church of the type that votes MAGA, that man would be shunned. But you’re actually not a regular man. The picture you put up on Father’s Day of you and your kids was one of the absolute saddest things we’ve seen. One can see it in their eyes, “Who said we had to spend Father’s Day with him?” We swear to all the dogs in heaven, that one picture alone is enough to despise you until you make it right, which you won’t.

But now you were rolling in the MAGA world, people were packing places just to hear you talk. And yes, Junior, we find that as fcking stunning as you might’ve at 25 years old. If you could name one thing you’ve said that they haven’t heard before, we’d give you a medal. But you can’t do it and we don’t even need to worry about it because these people came to hear the greatest hits. Kinda like an Eagles concert, circa 2018. There better not be any new material, or people will get up and leave. You even did entrance music and walked in with your arm formally square, with Kimberley holding it, which no man has done since the prom unless they’ve gone to the Academy Awards or were invited to the Palace to dine with the queen.

Speaking of which, y’all looked like the Clampetts, representing the United States of America, when you were called upon to have a white tie dinner with the queen. We cannot remember how you looked – thank god – we only know that you allowed your father to go in a suit that fit him like a potato sack. How did you not say, “Whoa, whoa, hold up, disaster coming”? Moreover, where the hell were you when someone allowed Stephen Millier to go? That is like deciding to let America’s own Goebbels represent us at the palace. Is the Goebel’s comparison too much, distasteful? Stephen’s not done yet, Junior, nor has the history been written. We don’t know everything.

Back to business. “Triggered.” A couple of things were sort of wrong here. One, you put your name on the bottom which would con people into thinking that you wrote it. We didn’t read it but that doesn’t make us any different than you. It wasn’t meant to be read. It was meant to be purchased, specifically by groups associated with the campaign. The group could say “with any donation over $50, get a free copy of Junior’s book which describes in excruciating detail how Kimberly Guilfoyle triggers Junior. (Maybe “Shots Fired” would’ve been a better name). We are getting both gross and too humorous. Our point is, that book could have been accidentally printed in Mandarin and it wouldn’t have made the news. No one would’ve noticed.

It was just another means to transfer money out of PACs and into your pockets, something at which y’all did excel.

We have got to start wrapping things up or we’ll be writing a book ourselves, which we’re happy to do, but we’d pick a worthier subject, like Ivanka – again. As your father’s administration winds down, you face the existential crisis that you deserve. Your part in the campaign was all about money and attention, mostly the former. But you definitely want that political attention and fittingly, you’re going to be competing against your own sister for that attention.

We will do you one favor, one, and tell you the outcome. In the battle between you and your sister, you will lose. Sex sells, Junior, ask Kimberly. Moreover, Ivanka is willing to claw people’s eyes out, you only shoot animals.

We have heard that you intend to move to Montana as your political base. Montana is massive, but it isn’t big enough for your ego, nor Kimberly’s big-city style. The thing is, Junior, with respect to politics, at some point you’re going to have to believe in something. It cannot be MAGA and destroying the deep state. That is done, it is done to the point it threatens the very country in which you live. What else, Junior? Money? Pffft. Try that in Montana. Seriously, try that. They will see you coming from one hundred miles away in a state 500 miles long. Do you think you’ll get the money from elsewhere? How much do you think Texans give a shit about the most junior senator from Montana or Montana’s wanna-be governor?

You want to lose yourself fishing and hunting? Now you’re on to something. That actually is something worth believing in. So long as your inheritance, the Trump Organization, and the PAC money is secure right?

So we’ve got your future sort of planned out, at least those aspects you’d like to consider. Now we have to go over those aspects you definitely don’t want to consider.

We cannot “prove” anything at this point, Junior. But let’s revisit your most famous statement and it doesn’t come from those spectacular “triggered” hits in all those rallies. No, we’re talking, “If it’s what you say it is, I love it.” You’ve surely said it to Kimberly, but we’re talking about the one that involved the Russians and in particular, Russians you believed had very compromising material on Hillary. You were in that room for a reason, Junior. The fact that she might not have delivered what you wanted doesn’t absolve you from judgment. No.

The statement means that she only needed to deliver the goods and you were prepared to “love it.” Before you get into some deep state shit about the FBI wanting to ruin you and all that. Your campaign had been specifically warned by the FBI about possible attempts at Russian infiltration and how to handle it. You ignored that warning even though that warning was meant to save your ass. You also know damned well that the Russians don’t come bearing gifts without wanting something in return. Yet, you “loved it.”

We get it. You were not personally responsible for the campaign. You were a minor player. But here’s the thing. You saw the people at that table and you had to know that damn near all of them had some kind of connection to Russia. Additionally, isn’t it strange that your dad didn’t attend the meeting, even though he was just downstairs? It is almost like you knew the meeting was wrong and dad needed deniability. “If it is what … I love it” even though dad didn’t attend? You knew, Junior.

We’re speculating from here out, but we have strong circumstantial evidence.

All of this was a bit of a problem. Because right then and there, you had knowledge that Russia was at least willing to help your campaign. You’re a fcking moron, Junior, but not too stupid to ask yourself, “Why do they want dad?” You didn’t need to ask yourself. Ten years ago, your brother, Beavis, told a magazine that the money funding those golf courses didn’t come from banks, it came from Russia. You know there’s no clean money coming out of Russia. There is a reason that Putin doesn’t have a bank account with Wells Fargo or Goldman Sachs. They won’t take it because it’s all dirty. But your family would.

So you knew why they wanted Dad, of course, you did. You’d been taking their money for quite some time. You would buy property and the Trump name would be on the deed recorded in the county. But the real owners aren’t concerned with names, deeds, or county records, right Junior? Your dad would tweet shit about anyone on Earth, act like a badass in any group, but never around Putin – a U.S. adversary. You guys mocked Obama’s “mom jeans,” but when it came to Putin, there was never any question that Obama wore the pants in that relationship.

For years and years, you’d been talking to Russians, maybe not the government – the Russians are too smart for that. You would talk to the oligarchs with a lot of money and you are too stupid to realize they are one and the same.

All this allows us to tie this up and then we’re out. You knew that the FBI wasn’t spying on your campaign. You only say it because the MAGAs aren’t willing to really think about it and the truth cannot be said. The FBI was spying on the Russians, which is sort of their job. It is not the FBI’s fault that a lot of calls to the Kremlin or Russian spies came from the people in the campaign. Was the FBI supposed to hang up? And yet over and over again you screamed on Fox, OANN, rallies, “Obama spied on us!” If Obama “spied” on the campaign, how did you win? And what was Jared doing trying to set up a private line to Russia, Junior? Jared asked about a line from Russia’s own embassy for god sake! Jared and your family wanted to go around U.S. intelligence and there is one reason and one reason only to do that.

And yet over and over and over, you were on the media and in front of MAGAs, “they spied on us.” You were shitting on the very people that give up millions (because these are the best tech people on Earth) to protect us. But now we find out the FBI-CIA-NSA couldn’t protect us with your dad as president. Your dad couldn’t touch the Russians and that meant the Russians could take risks they’d never take under a real president. If they were caught, what was your dad going to do? Junior, did you notice that the FBI announced that they caught the Russians’ hack the very week after the Electoral College voted? What a coincidence, right?

The Russians owned us while your dad was president and you knew it. Well, the FBI knew it, too. You helped with Russia’s agenda.

There is a word for people who help out an adversary, indeed it is defined in the U.S. Code. We can’t know if they will ever prosecute you for all you’ve done but neither do you. Just imagine, you fly fishing in a Montana stream, unable to cast properly because you’re shaking too bad. You know you’re being watched. That might be punishment enough. Maybe not. We can’t prove it but you know that there might well be someone who can. That’s a shitty way to live.

It is almost as shitty as living with the fact that your kids will resent the living hell out of what you did to mom when they’re old enough to get it. It was all for not. Because if you think Kim’s sticking around in Montana you’re even dumber than we thought.

Indeed, eventually, you’ll figure out that none of this was really worth it. A couple of years basking in the glory of the MAGA hive-mind isn’t worth forty years basking in the 120 degree Saudi Arabian sun, knowing that with each passing day, you get less and less useful, even to them. Still, it’s probably better than hanging out in Russia, where they don’t care much about laws but do care deeply about people so stupid that the same property is now in bankruptcy court or confiscated altogether. There won’t be a lot of sunshine in Russia.

In fact, it can get pretty dark when you have to deal with furious people who don’t care about laws.

You should be ashamed of yourself, Junior. Montana is heaven, for those who are rich, free, and alive, all at the same time. You best start finding some shame and stop beating up on those FBI agents. They might be the ones asking some questions that that at least keep you free and alive. That “rich” part is probably gone forever.

Don’t worry, Junior, it never did anything but make you more miserable.

Goodbye, Junior. You won’t be missed and you should be ashamed of yourself.

*****

Over the next month, we are doing a series, Goodbye to All That, in which we will say goodbye to each member of the Trump administration. We will do at least two a week and always one on the weekend. 

Part One of our series – Goodbye Kayleigh McEnany — You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself and You Will Not Be Missed

Part Two of our series – Goodbye Ivanka Trump — You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself and You Will Not Be Missed

Part Three of our series – Goodbye Mike Pence — You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself and You Will Not Be Missed

Part Four of our series – Goodbye Bill Barr — You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself and You Will Not Be Missed

Part Five of our series – Goodbye Melania Trump — You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself and You Will Not Be Missed

****

Peace, y’all
Jason
[email protected] and on Twitter @JasonMiciak